Bad Habits

Seven years ago I was in love.  When that ended, I swore I would stay single until I was over him.  By the time I was over him, and ready to start dating again, I was happy being single.  I began dating guys and never developing feelings for them.  Whether this was deliberate or just a result of being single and happy in myself I don’t know.  I met one guy that I had feelings for right away, you remember V?  But those feelings were never returned, so we never developed a relationship, I was never even physical with V.  Over the years I have continued to date guys that I never developed feelings for, and I was ok with it.  Being in relationships with guys that I knew I would never love, allowed me to demand the very best from every relationship.  I would joke that all my relationships had a one-month expiration, because that was typically how long they would last.  First sight of hormones, and they would be gone, because I didn’t ever care enough to filter my crazy.

I was quite happy dating in this way because it protected my heart.  If I never fell in love, I would never get hurt.  I could end relationships as soon as I was unhappy about something, and never shed a single tear.  I could push them as far as I wanted without ever worrying about them ending it, because I never cared if they did.  I am now learning however, that I may have also picked up some pretty bad dating habits by dating this way.  I am spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy (I’m shamefully laughing as I admit this). 

A month ago I began speaking to a guy that I worked with.  I had always thought he was cute, so when he added me on Facebook I jumped at the chance to talk to him, even though I was already dating someone (though not exclusively).  I knew I was interested in D, and I knew I wanted to kiss him.  I had no idea however that dating him would lead to me feeling things that I haven’t felt in seven years.  Imagine my surprise when I began falling for him.

I can’t even begin to tell you all the ways that D isn’t my type.  But damn if I’m not crazy about that guy!  He is the sweetest, sexiest, most hardheaded pain in ass, and I’ve fallen hard for him.  He makes me so happy.  I miss him when I’m not with him, and I never ever get tired of him when we are together (which is unusual for me).  When we spend the night together not only do we cuddle all night, but also I WANT to be cuddling him all night.  For those that know me, they know that this is unusual for me even when I’m in love.  I don’t like to be touched at night when I’m sleeping, but with D, I’m waking him up if he’s not cuddling me.  I don’t recognize myself.  And I love it.

So here’s the problem.  Like I said, over the years I have picked up some bad dating habits.  The difference now, dating D, is that I actually do care if we break up.  But I’ve spent so long treating guys a certain way because I don’t care, that I’ve developed dating habits that I must now break.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not horrible, I’m still friends with all of the guys I’ve dated over the years (well kind of) so it’s not like I treated them terribly.  And with D, because I have feelings for him, I’m naturally very affectionate and loving. 

But remember, I’m spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy.  These things do not make for a good, lasting relationship built on compromise and selflessness.  Things almost ended a few days ago because I pushed D too far with my bossiness and my attitude.  I cried which is very unusual for me, I couldn’t even tell you the last time I cried over a guy; I think it was a year ago because of V, and I think it lasted ten minutes.  I cried a lot longer than ten minutes at the thought of losing D, and it was a wake up call for me. 

D is very understanding of my hormone imbalance; he seems to be willing to deal with the crazy once a month.  But I need to work on how I speak to him when I get that way, and do better at filtering the crazy.  I need to treat him like someone I don’t want to lose, because losing him is not an option for me right now.

Luckily, I am very self-aware of the bad habits I’ve developed, which means I have a good chance of fixing them. 

Perhaps it’s premature to say, but I believe I’ve found something real with D.  Our differences scare me sometimes, and I know that it could be a challenge making things work, but I believe we can.  I believe D when he tells me he feels the same way I do.  I believe that we have a connection that is rare, and therefore we must fight to protect what we have.  His family likes me, and my mum likes him (he meets the rest of my family next week, and I know they’ll love him).  I think they can see how much we care about each other, so how could they not approve.  I realize that I have become one of those soppy people I used to make fun of, but I don’t even care.  I’m so happy.

It is of course terrifying to feel this way.  Every day I worry about how much it will hurt if this ends.  But I don’t care.  I wont let my fear of striking out keep me from playing the game.  The only thing worse than getting hurt is being afraid to get hurt.  I’ve jumped, and there’s no going back now, the only thing I can do is enjoy the fall and hope that I land softly.  Love is scary, if it wasn’t a risk, it wouldn’t be as special when it works and it would be easier to find.  I don’t know how I will feel in a month or two months, or how things will go.  All I know is how I feel now, and this feeling is completely worth the risk.  It’s amazing.  I’m crazy about him, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it work (while he’s good to me anyway). 

I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to go for it with D.  And I’m thankful that he’s so caring and understanding with me.  We agree that communication is important to make a relationship work.  We will talk through any of our problems and work past them in a healthy way, because we both see value in this relationship.  We both want it to work.  And we both believe that it can.

Leaving the past behind me

So I had been dating someone for the past few weeks.  It was going pretty well, until today when it ended, because I’m a crazy person. 

I met J online a while back, but we stopped talking when I pretty much gave up on the whole dating thing.  We reconnected during my recent trip to Scotland.  He messaged me and told me that he wanted to take me out when I got back, and reluctantly I agreed.  I was so glad I did, because it ended up being THE BEST first date I’d ever been on.  He took me to Dave and Busters.  We ate the crappiest meal, and then had the best time playing some cheesy arcade games.  I kicked his ass in a few of the games, and he luckily won the rest.  The evening was lost in laughter and chitchat and we both left feeling pretty great about our first encounter.

The next few weeks were lovely.  J is literally the nicest guy I have ever dated.  Our dates were a never-ending parade of compliments, talking, sharing, laughing and sweet gazes.  Just the way he looked at me told me that this guy was really into me.  He made me feel so beautiful.  I really loved spending time with him, and was growing to love his itchy beard.

J told me that he couldn’t come over last night because he wanted to get some rest.  Later I got the feeling that he had actually gone out.  It didn’t bother me that he wanted to go out with his friends!  I’m really not the jealous type, and I honestly knew that he was really into me regardless.  But I did struggle with the fact that he lied to me.  Naturally, my mind went into crazy mode, and I decided the relationship was over.

The next day I confronted him and told him it was over for me, and he told me the truth right away.  I believed him, and told him that I wanted to move on from it all.  But it was too late; my crazy had already scared him off.  He told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who could just end it so quickly, without even speaking first.  I tried to explain that that was my way of speaking to him, and that I really didn’t want it to end.  But it was no use, J is a stubborn Leo and his mind was made up.  I then told him that I respected his decision and I wished him luck. 

I’m now sitting here.  Feeling sad, but mostly frustrated at myself.  I became irrational, and I know that.  I threatened to end it (or ended it as he says) because I thought that he might be lying.  I know that I am naturally a very trusting person; I don’t get jealous or suspicious.  But I also know that I have been in quite a few relationships that have perhaps left me with trust issues.  I know lying is a problem for me.  But I didn’t know that I could react so impulsively to a lie (or a perceived lie). 

I have been hurt in the past.  Ex’s have cheated on me, lied to me and let me down.  I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused, and have been left with scars as a result.  I know my past is just that, and I feel like it has made me who I am, and I have learned and grown from all that I have been through.  But perhaps the past isn’t just that.  Perhaps it is still here in my present day, influencing me and affecting my present day relationships.  All that I can do is learn from it, and try not to let it affect my future relationships.

I feel sad tonight, J was great, and I enjoyed spending time with him.  But I do believe that I deserve to, and will find, a wonderful and lasting relationship one day.  What’s for me will not go by me.  There was a reason this happened to me.  Perhaps it was so that I could become aware of the hold my past has on my present, so that I could break from it finally.  It is time to put my past behind me, and embrace my future.  I know it might not be easy, but I need to trust that I deserve happiness and therefore will find it.

I obviously wasn’t meant to be with J.  If I was, he would have understood why I reacted the way I did, and talked through it with me rather than running scared.  Perhaps he has a past that is alive in his present day too.  Perhaps my reaction scared him in the same way that his perceived lying scared me.  I can’t change what happened, but I can prevent it from happening again. 

This is my life, and I will be happy.  One day I will meet someone that loves everything about me, including my crazy (or at least accepts it).  He will be wonderful and I will trust him with all my heart, because he won’t give me reason not to.  And if somehow he does (through no fault of his own), we will work through it, because that will be the relationship that is supposed to last for me.

J is a great guy!  The next girl that he dates will be a lucky one.  He will love on her and compliment her like a true gentleman should, because that is what he is.  I wasn’t the girl for him.  I was just the girl that kicked his ass in some arcade games.  We had a good time together, and our relationship was exactly what we needed it to be.  I wish him luck in everything that he does, and hope that he finds happiness throughout his life.

Can women really do 'no strings attached' relationships?

It’s no secret that men and women are different when it comes to sex and matters of the heart.  However, lately the lines between men and women have become rather blurry.  Women are becoming more independent and empowered, and as a result, own their sexuality in a way that they have never done before.  Women are having one-night stands, and ‘no strings attached’ relationships, and they are no longer allowing themselves to be judged for doing so.  And rightly so, men have been living this way for years, and there has never been a stigma attached to them.  If a man chooses to sew his wild oats, then he is a king, a player, and it is celebrated.  If a woman chooses to do the same, she is a slut, too promiscuous, and she is shamed for it.  I absolutely agree that a woman should be given the same right to explore her sexuality that a man has.  If she chooses to have a string of one-night stands or a friend with benefits, rather than a relationship, then so she should.

However, I wonder, is it really a choice that women make, or is it something they feel they have to do?  Is it really their own decision, or do they feel it’s their only option?  Can women really have ‘no strings attached’ sex or do we naturally attach strings, so to speak? 

For me personally, I find it difficult to not become emotionally attached to someone that I become physical with.  However, I recognize this in myself and as a result, I don’t have ‘no strings attached’ sex or hook ups of any kind.  I do believe there are women that can have these kinds of relationships, and don’t worry about becoming attached, because they have found someone that they only connect with on a physical level.  If there is any emotional connection between them, then I believe a woman is lying to herself if she tells herself that there are no strings attached. 

The reason I was inspired to write this tonight is because I have a friend who is going through this at the moment.  B was in a ‘no strings attached’ relationship with a friend of hers.  However, she found after a few months of this, she was beginning to develop feelings for him.  She told him how she felt, and wasn’t given the response that she wanted.  Now B is faced with a decision, does she cut all ties with him and move on, or does she settle for their ‘no strings attached’ relationship.  The choice for the type of relationship that they could have was taken from her; he made the choice for her.  It’s this, or nothing.  So what is a girl to do?

It reminded me of my relationship with V.  For months I wanted more, and he only wanted to be friends.  We basically acted like a couple, but we weren’t a couple.  Our relationship was never physical (because I had to protect my heart), but the choice was still the same.  It was friendship, or nothing.  I chose friendship, on his terms, because I couldn’t stand the thought of not having him in my life.  I made the wrong choice.  He was bad for me, and thankfully, a little over a month ago; I realized this and ended our “friendship”. 

B is now faced with the same choice.  She can either move on from H, or she can go back to their ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and force herself to be happy with it.  B and I discussed her relationship tonight, and we realized that there really isn’t an emotional connection there with H.  We think that she has fooled herself into believing that there is something more than what there is, because she wants it so bad.  She’s lonely and as a result, she has imaged there to be an emotional connection where there really is only a physical one.

This is exactly why I don’t have sex until I know there is an emotional connection.  Because regardless of whether or not there is, I will believe there to be one because there is a physical one.  My mind confuses lust with love, unless I remove lust from the equation.  I believe B is similar to me in this aspect.  However, perhaps with her realization that there really isn’t an emotional connection there, she can go back to their previous relationship, without getting hurt.

For me personally, I couldn’t risk it.  My heart has been through too much, and I know myself too well.  I would inevitably be hurt by the relationship, or lack there of.  However, I personally know women who can do it.  I have a friend who rarely associates sex with emotion and only establishes physical connections with partners.  I admire her for being able to do so, and more power to her for it.  But, I also know women who pretend that they can do it, but can’t.  They pretend that their ‘no strings attached’ relationship is their own choice, when it was really the only option they had.  It was that or nothing for them, and they chose to accept the relationship for what it was, for fear of having nothing. 

I have advised B to think it over some more, and figure out what she really wants before jumping into anything.  If she realizes she really doesn’t have an emotional connection to H, and she wants to continue the relationship exactly how it was, then good for her.  I think she should go for it.  But I’d hope that if there were any doubt in her mind that she can really have a ‘no strings attached’ relationship with H without wanting more, she would make the choice to move on.  Because trust me, making a choice to settle for less than what you want, for fear of losing someone completely, is the wrong choice.  I made it with V, and I regretted it.  It just prolonged the inevitable, and made the sting of losing him far worse.

I hope she makes the right choice for herself, and only herself.  If she believes there is more than just a physical connection there, then she needs to move on.  She is a beautiful, strong woman, and she will be just fine on her own.  But if she really believes that she can have a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and it truly is her own choice, then she should embrace her freedom to have any type of relationship that she chooses.  All that I ask from her is that whatever she chooses really is her own choice, and not something that she feels she has to settle for, for fear of having nothing. 

Embrace your womanhood B, and make the right choice for you, as an independent and empowered woman.

  

Taking responsibility for my happiness

For those of you that follow my blog and know who V is, you are about to get pretty frustrated with me.  Of course, I have been talking to him again.  Yes, this is the same V that I have written about quitting numerous times.  It seems he’s not quite as easy to quit, as I would have hoped.

In my last blog entry I wrote about taking my life back.  I wrote about getting healthy, mind and body.  I have been losing weight (slowly but surely), some days I struggle more than others to stay focused and motivated, but I’ve not gained and I’m still losing.  I didn’t talk to V for three weeks.  I stayed strong, and didn’t contact him, even though I really wanted to.  Until one night when I sent him a text, asking if he had missed me.  He responded telling me that he had, and he wanted us to talk again.  I told him we couldn’t talk again, nothing had changed, and I shouldn’t have text him.  He then told me how much he had missed talking to me and he had missed my laugh and my positive attitude.  He swore that he had learned his lesson and that things would be different this time.  No more being cruel for cruelness sake.  No more mean jokes or mind games.

We began talking again, and he really did keep his word.  He was sweet, kind, comforting and wonderful.  He would still make jokes, but that is his sense of humor, and he was no longer mean to me.  He would even ask to call me, and tell me he missed me or missed my voice.  He would talk to me for hours and then tell me that I had made him smile.  He still maintained that we were just friends.  But we txt all day every day, and called each other two or three times a day, whenever we could.  Talking to him made me so happy, I looked forward to hearing his voice, and I swooned knowing that he looked forward to hearing mine.

A week is all that this wonderfulness lasted for.  Of course I began building romantic ideas in my head once again.  Ideas of love and being together, and, one day even, ideas of marriage and children.  I was a fool in love all over again.  Telling myself that he MUST have feelings for me if he missed my voice and my laugh.  I mean, I love my friends, and I miss them, but I don’t miss the sound of their voice.  His is the only voice that I miss like that.  I deluded myself with thoughts of him realizing his love for me.  I duped myself into believing that we were in some sort of relationship, and would one day be together.  I did all this, in the full knowledge that we were “just friends”.  I believed that he really did have feelings for me, but was just afraid of them.

V asked me to call him after work last night.  I knew he needed to go to bed early for work the next day, so I rushed around getting my things done so that I could get out and call him.  When I txt him, he responded telling me he was with a friend, and was busy.  He didn’t txt me again after that.  Something in me snapped.  I convinced myself that he must be with another girl, which is why he couldn’t text.  It’s important to know that I am not the jealous type, I am very trusting of my partners, and I never worry about them cheating.  But with V it is different.  We are not in a relationship; he can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants.  So I snapped.  I was mad that he didn’t let me know that we wouldn’t be able to talk.  I was mad that he was (maybe) with someone else.  I was mad that he didn’t want to be with me.  I said some things I shouldn’t have, and I have not heard from him since.

I realized something today.  It doesn’t matter how nice or supportive V is to me.  His meanness was never the reason why he was bad for me.  I am the reason V is bad for me.  It is my one sided love for him which is why he is bad for me.  V was never the one responsible it was always me.  V was mean to me because I allowed it, when I put my foot down and refused to accept that kind of behavior from him anymore, the behavior stopped.  V was never the problem it was always me.  V might have feelings for me and be confused, or he might genuinely not have any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.  None of that matters at all.  What matters is that he does not reciprocate the feelings I have for him, and therefor I must move on.  Being friends doesn’t work.  I can’t handle it; I get hurt, angry and jealous.  V is toxic to me, because of how I feel about him, not because of how he feels about me. 

It would be lovely if one day I could be V’s friend.  But I can’t right now.  I can’t burry my feelings, and it’s too hard for me to talk to him.  When he tells me he misses my voice, or me or compliments me in any way, I read too much into it and convince myself that he has feelings for me too.  That is toxic thinking, and I can’t have it in my life.  In an ideal world, V would love me and move to Florida to be with me.  But this is reality, and I need to stop living in a fantasy world, convincing myself of feelings that just aren’t there. 

My mum told me that I am the center of my universe and I need to love myself more than I love any other person.  She instructed me to take all of the time and energy I put into my feelings for V, and put them into myself instead.  I deserve more than to have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way.  I am a wonderful person.  I need to focus on getting healthy, and the self-confidence and love for myself will come.  Until that comes, how can I expect to ever be in a healthy relationship? 

V is a good person, and he has it right.  He knows what he wants (his career) and he focuses on it.  All he ever did was try to be my friend, it was me that chose to read too much into every little thing he said or did.  I wish him all the best in everything he does.  I just need to move on from him now.  I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and happiness.  I need to focus on what I want, just like V has done.  And if being friends is not what I want, then I need to move on from him, no matter how difficult it may be.

Fairytale or Horror Flick?

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess, who lived in an enchanted kingdom.  The princess needed rescuing, so imagine her delight, when a knight in shining armor rescued her.  The knight turned out to be a prince, and her one true love.  So after they shared true love's first kiss, they married and lived happily ever after… the end.

That right there, is why girls grow up with a skewed view on how love and relationships should go.  Real life isn’t such a fairytale.  There is no such thing as 'happily ever after,' and even if you think you get your ‘happily ever after,’ it doesn't all end at ‘the end.’   Not for me at least.  My dating life is more of a horror flick than a fairytale story.  

You know in those horror movies, when the girl hears a noise in the basement.  Instead of going for help, she wanders slowly into the dark basement, wearing nothing more than a tank top and panties, and holding absolutely nothing in her hands.  She feels her way blindly through the dark shouting, “hello… who's there?”  All the while we’re watching, knowing exactly who’s there and we are shouting at the T.V, “what are you doing?  Don’t go in there!  For goodness sakes, pick up a knife or something girl!”

She’s completely vulnerable, in her lingerie with absolutely nothing to protect herself with, staring blindly in the dark… walking towards her inevitable death.

Well that’s me.  That’s my love story.  Though, I’m not so blind.  I know exactly what I’m walking towards.  I’m very aware of how vulnerable I am in my underwear with no weapon to protect me.  But I keep walking, because I’m ‘that’ girl.  The idiot in the horror movie, that likes to pretend she’s a princess in a fairytale.  

V is still around, still in my life, still waiting for me in the dark basement.  I know it can only end badly with him, and yet I keep going.  Just like the girl in the horror movie.  The problem is, I enjoy being around him so much, and talking to him, and even thinking about him.  I just can’t get enough of the man, and yet, I know he doesn’t feel the same.  Don’t get me wrong, I know he likes me.  In fact, I know he likes me more than he would care to admit.  He does care about me, as much as he might wish he didn’t.  But I know he doesn’t care about me as much as I would like him to.

Perhaps V is the monster in my fairytale, and my knight in shining armor will come and rescue me eventually.  But as twisted as this sounds, right now, I would rather be slaughtered by V in ‘our’ horror flick, than be rescued from V in someone else's fairytale.  Right now, V is the only one that I want, even if it does mean inevitable tragedy for me.

Next month, I will be moving to Florida.  Things are moving forward for me, and I couldn’t be happier.  Things will have to end, for good, with V.  As sad as that makes me, it really is for the best.  Perhaps a move to another State is exactly what I need.  Get me out of the basement, out of the same house.  Maybe then I will be safe.  Let’s just hope my demons don’t follow me, and my knight in shining armor knows where to find me.  Wish me luck… because I definitely need it. 

Type A

“What’s your type?”

“Oh, I go for funny guys.  I like to be able to laugh with a guy.  I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say.  He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic.  And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”

So this is a typical response that I give to that question.  It’s a lie.  Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type?  I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement.  But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me.  I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone.  I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s simple.  It’s because they’re not A**holes! 

Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it.  I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole!  I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys.  But it’s deeper than that for me.  Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat.  I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”

But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees.  “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”

Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right.  It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart.  Isn’t that exciting?  No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is.  That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone.  There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way.  But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry.  Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks. 

So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys.  But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction.  And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers.  The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say. 

I’m taking baby steps.  For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with.  You may remember ‘V’?  We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself.  So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself.  I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys.  In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away.  If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it.  It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working.  I can’t fake attraction, remember?  I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.

I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy.  She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner.  However, I know I can’t be alone in this.  There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?”  Well now you have your answer ladies.  You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man.  I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves.  We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys.  You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you.  Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind.  Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.

Follow me ladies.  No more ‘nice guys finish last!’  Time to end this cycle once and for all.