Bad Habits

Seven years ago I was in love.  When that ended, I swore I would stay single until I was over him.  By the time I was over him, and ready to start dating again, I was happy being single.  I began dating guys and never developing feelings for them.  Whether this was deliberate or just a result of being single and happy in myself I don’t know.  I met one guy that I had feelings for right away, you remember V?  But those feelings were never returned, so we never developed a relationship, I was never even physical with V.  Over the years I have continued to date guys that I never developed feelings for, and I was ok with it.  Being in relationships with guys that I knew I would never love, allowed me to demand the very best from every relationship.  I would joke that all my relationships had a one-month expiration, because that was typically how long they would last.  First sight of hormones, and they would be gone, because I didn’t ever care enough to filter my crazy.

I was quite happy dating in this way because it protected my heart.  If I never fell in love, I would never get hurt.  I could end relationships as soon as I was unhappy about something, and never shed a single tear.  I could push them as far as I wanted without ever worrying about them ending it, because I never cared if they did.  I am now learning however, that I may have also picked up some pretty bad dating habits by dating this way.  I am spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy (I’m shamefully laughing as I admit this). 

A month ago I began speaking to a guy that I worked with.  I had always thought he was cute, so when he added me on Facebook I jumped at the chance to talk to him, even though I was already dating someone (though not exclusively).  I knew I was interested in D, and I knew I wanted to kiss him.  I had no idea however that dating him would lead to me feeling things that I haven’t felt in seven years.  Imagine my surprise when I began falling for him.

I can’t even begin to tell you all the ways that D isn’t my type.  But damn if I’m not crazy about that guy!  He is the sweetest, sexiest, most hardheaded pain in ass, and I’ve fallen hard for him.  He makes me so happy.  I miss him when I’m not with him, and I never ever get tired of him when we are together (which is unusual for me).  When we spend the night together not only do we cuddle all night, but also I WANT to be cuddling him all night.  For those that know me, they know that this is unusual for me even when I’m in love.  I don’t like to be touched at night when I’m sleeping, but with D, I’m waking him up if he’s not cuddling me.  I don’t recognize myself.  And I love it.

So here’s the problem.  Like I said, over the years I have picked up some bad dating habits.  The difference now, dating D, is that I actually do care if we break up.  But I’ve spent so long treating guys a certain way because I don’t care, that I’ve developed dating habits that I must now break.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not horrible, I’m still friends with all of the guys I’ve dated over the years (well kind of) so it’s not like I treated them terribly.  And with D, because I have feelings for him, I’m naturally very affectionate and loving. 

But remember, I’m spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy.  These things do not make for a good, lasting relationship built on compromise and selflessness.  Things almost ended a few days ago because I pushed D too far with my bossiness and my attitude.  I cried which is very unusual for me, I couldn’t even tell you the last time I cried over a guy; I think it was a year ago because of V, and I think it lasted ten minutes.  I cried a lot longer than ten minutes at the thought of losing D, and it was a wake up call for me. 

D is very understanding of my hormone imbalance; he seems to be willing to deal with the crazy once a month.  But I need to work on how I speak to him when I get that way, and do better at filtering the crazy.  I need to treat him like someone I don’t want to lose, because losing him is not an option for me right now.

Luckily, I am very self-aware of the bad habits I’ve developed, which means I have a good chance of fixing them. 

Perhaps it’s premature to say, but I believe I’ve found something real with D.  Our differences scare me sometimes, and I know that it could be a challenge making things work, but I believe we can.  I believe D when he tells me he feels the same way I do.  I believe that we have a connection that is rare, and therefore we must fight to protect what we have.  His family likes me, and my mum likes him (he meets the rest of my family next week, and I know they’ll love him).  I think they can see how much we care about each other, so how could they not approve.  I realize that I have become one of those soppy people I used to make fun of, but I don’t even care.  I’m so happy.

It is of course terrifying to feel this way.  Every day I worry about how much it will hurt if this ends.  But I don’t care.  I wont let my fear of striking out keep me from playing the game.  The only thing worse than getting hurt is being afraid to get hurt.  I’ve jumped, and there’s no going back now, the only thing I can do is enjoy the fall and hope that I land softly.  Love is scary, if it wasn’t a risk, it wouldn’t be as special when it works and it would be easier to find.  I don’t know how I will feel in a month or two months, or how things will go.  All I know is how I feel now, and this feeling is completely worth the risk.  It’s amazing.  I’m crazy about him, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it work (while he’s good to me anyway). 

I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to go for it with D.  And I’m thankful that he’s so caring and understanding with me.  We agree that communication is important to make a relationship work.  We will talk through any of our problems and work past them in a healthy way, because we both see value in this relationship.  We both want it to work.  And we both believe that it can.

Be your own light

While I was cleaning out some old things, I found an old folded piece of paper dated June 2011.  Back then I didn’t write in a blog, but writing has always been a release for me and scribbling on the back of a travel insurance print out was not out of the question.  Though I wrote it only four years ago, it was like reading someone else’s life.  It made me sad, remembering how lost I once was.  But it also made me proud of the person I am today, and how far I’ve come.  I have shared with you before that I wasn’t always the positive person that I am today.  I am aware of how annoying my positive attitude can be to some people, and it seems like it just comes naturally to me.  But I wasn’t always this way; I really had to fight to be the positive person that I am.  I definitely had a tendency to get very depressed and lonely.  But I did get through it, and fight it, using my mother’s advice about faking positivity until it came naturally to me, which it now does.  I want to share with you the words that I expressed in 2011, only because I want to emphasize that we all get depressed and face dark times in our life, but we can all come through it if we fight hard enough to find the light.

Sitting here on this flight home, I can’t help but feel anxious and terrified.  Out in Spain it was so much easier to shut off from my life in Scotland, easier to numb myself from the pain, anxieties and stress of University, money and my love life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were of course times in Spain where my loneliness would creep into my psyche, there were even a couple of nights where I cried myself to sleep.  But nothing compared to the pain I felt before, the pain I expect to face when reality once again hits. 

I used to make excuses for why it was good to stay single, arguing that I was too busy with University, work, friends and family to add a boyfriend into the mix.  But my recent fleeting relationship with JB made me realize how wrong I was.  What I realized (or admitted to myself) was that a boyfriend can offer so much needed support by just listening and caring.  I also realized that the feeling of loneliness that I had was my most powerful feeling, above stress and anxiety.  Therefore just vanquishing that feeling of loneliness was enough to give me the strength to cope with the other stresses in my life. 

But here lies my problem once again I am boyfriend-less.  Before I dated JB I had convinced myself that I didn’t want a boyfriend and I certainly didn’t need one.  In fact, I had convinced myself that having a boyfriend would only make things worse.  I now know that this isn’t true, and my loneliness has only increased with this newfound knowledge.  Having had a taste of a relationship, however short it may have been, it makes it more difficult to go back to facing my life alone.

Ten minutes to landing now and I am all the more anxious.  I am terrified of falling into a sea of depression and drowning in my own abyss of self-pity.

All I can do is be aware of my feelings and do my best to prevent it.  Like my very wise mother always says, knowledge is power.  So I will prevent my depression by being knowledgeable of it, and of course, by staying positive.

Reading that was difficult for me, because I was reminded of the pain I used to feel on a regular basis.  It’s easy to forget how lost I once was in myself, and it’s hard to remember a version of myself that isn’t the one I am today.  I am a strong, independent woman, who of course gets lonely and has difficult times that she must work hard to get through.  But the person I am today never doubts herself and her ability to make it through, like the person I used to be once did.  I don’t need a man in my life to get me through life’s many struggles.  I have more stress in my life now than I ever had then, but I am more equipped to cope with those stresses through my positive attitude.  I am proud of how much I have grown, and how far I have come as a person. 

J and I are dating again, our break up lasted a total of three days.  He told me that he wanted to be with me, and he wanted to know what he should do in the future if I happen to fly off again (and let out my crazy).  I am happy that J and I are dating again; it’s going pretty well.  But I don’t NEED J to make me happy.  The only person I need is myself.  This is absolutely nothing to do with the person that J is, but everything to do with the person that I am.  I have come a long way from the girl I used to be.

I’m sharing this entry today for people who are still in their dark times.  I want people to know that they will make it through as long as they keep fighting and staying positive.  It’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel during dark times, but there is always one there, sometimes you just have to look harder to find it.  That light is you, and it can’t be anyone else.  You are the light that will guide you through your dark times.  Everyone else that you meet along the way are merely positive rays that can help your light shine brighter, but you are that original source of light.  And the good news is that only you can extinguish your light, no one else has that power; so don’t give it to them.  Be responsible for your own happiness!  Accept that loneliness is a part of life, and that you don’t need anyone to make you happy.  Take on each day with a fighting spirit, a smile and a positive attitude, and you will see your light grow brighter each day.  We all have the strength inside us, don’t be afraid to unleash yours.  Be your own light!