Bad Habits

Seven years ago I was in love.  When that ended, I swore I would stay single until I was over him.  By the time I was over him, and ready to start dating again, I was happy being single.  I began dating guys and never developing feelings for them.  Whether this was deliberate or just a result of being single and happy in myself I don’t know.  I met one guy that I had feelings for right away, you remember V?  But those feelings were never returned, so we never developed a relationship, I was never even physical with V.  Over the years I have continued to date guys that I never developed feelings for, and I was ok with it.  Being in relationships with guys that I knew I would never love, allowed me to demand the very best from every relationship.  I would joke that all my relationships had a one-month expiration, because that was typically how long they would last.  First sight of hormones, and they would be gone, because I didn’t ever care enough to filter my crazy.

I was quite happy dating in this way because it protected my heart.  If I never fell in love, I would never get hurt.  I could end relationships as soon as I was unhappy about something, and never shed a single tear.  I could push them as far as I wanted without ever worrying about them ending it, because I never cared if they did.  I am now learning however, that I may have also picked up some pretty bad dating habits by dating this way.  I am spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy (I’m shamefully laughing as I admit this). 

A month ago I began speaking to a guy that I worked with.  I had always thought he was cute, so when he added me on Facebook I jumped at the chance to talk to him, even though I was already dating someone (though not exclusively).  I knew I was interested in D, and I knew I wanted to kiss him.  I had no idea however that dating him would lead to me feeling things that I haven’t felt in seven years.  Imagine my surprise when I began falling for him.

I can’t even begin to tell you all the ways that D isn’t my type.  But damn if I’m not crazy about that guy!  He is the sweetest, sexiest, most hardheaded pain in ass, and I’ve fallen hard for him.  He makes me so happy.  I miss him when I’m not with him, and I never ever get tired of him when we are together (which is unusual for me).  When we spend the night together not only do we cuddle all night, but also I WANT to be cuddling him all night.  For those that know me, they know that this is unusual for me even when I’m in love.  I don’t like to be touched at night when I’m sleeping, but with D, I’m waking him up if he’s not cuddling me.  I don’t recognize myself.  And I love it.

So here’s the problem.  Like I said, over the years I have picked up some bad dating habits.  The difference now, dating D, is that I actually do care if we break up.  But I’ve spent so long treating guys a certain way because I don’t care, that I’ve developed dating habits that I must now break.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not horrible, I’m still friends with all of the guys I’ve dated over the years (well kind of) so it’s not like I treated them terribly.  And with D, because I have feelings for him, I’m naturally very affectionate and loving. 

But remember, I’m spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy.  These things do not make for a good, lasting relationship built on compromise and selflessness.  Things almost ended a few days ago because I pushed D too far with my bossiness and my attitude.  I cried which is very unusual for me, I couldn’t even tell you the last time I cried over a guy; I think it was a year ago because of V, and I think it lasted ten minutes.  I cried a lot longer than ten minutes at the thought of losing D, and it was a wake up call for me. 

D is very understanding of my hormone imbalance; he seems to be willing to deal with the crazy once a month.  But I need to work on how I speak to him when I get that way, and do better at filtering the crazy.  I need to treat him like someone I don’t want to lose, because losing him is not an option for me right now.

Luckily, I am very self-aware of the bad habits I’ve developed, which means I have a good chance of fixing them. 

Perhaps it’s premature to say, but I believe I’ve found something real with D.  Our differences scare me sometimes, and I know that it could be a challenge making things work, but I believe we can.  I believe D when he tells me he feels the same way I do.  I believe that we have a connection that is rare, and therefore we must fight to protect what we have.  His family likes me, and my mum likes him (he meets the rest of my family next week, and I know they’ll love him).  I think they can see how much we care about each other, so how could they not approve.  I realize that I have become one of those soppy people I used to make fun of, but I don’t even care.  I’m so happy.

It is of course terrifying to feel this way.  Every day I worry about how much it will hurt if this ends.  But I don’t care.  I wont let my fear of striking out keep me from playing the game.  The only thing worse than getting hurt is being afraid to get hurt.  I’ve jumped, and there’s no going back now, the only thing I can do is enjoy the fall and hope that I land softly.  Love is scary, if it wasn’t a risk, it wouldn’t be as special when it works and it would be easier to find.  I don’t know how I will feel in a month or two months, or how things will go.  All I know is how I feel now, and this feeling is completely worth the risk.  It’s amazing.  I’m crazy about him, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it work (while he’s good to me anyway). 

I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to go for it with D.  And I’m thankful that he’s so caring and understanding with me.  We agree that communication is important to make a relationship work.  We will talk through any of our problems and work past them in a healthy way, because we both see value in this relationship.  We both want it to work.  And we both believe that it can.

Can women really do 'no strings attached' relationships?

It’s no secret that men and women are different when it comes to sex and matters of the heart.  However, lately the lines between men and women have become rather blurry.  Women are becoming more independent and empowered, and as a result, own their sexuality in a way that they have never done before.  Women are having one-night stands, and ‘no strings attached’ relationships, and they are no longer allowing themselves to be judged for doing so.  And rightly so, men have been living this way for years, and there has never been a stigma attached to them.  If a man chooses to sew his wild oats, then he is a king, a player, and it is celebrated.  If a woman chooses to do the same, she is a slut, too promiscuous, and she is shamed for it.  I absolutely agree that a woman should be given the same right to explore her sexuality that a man has.  If she chooses to have a string of one-night stands or a friend with benefits, rather than a relationship, then so she should.

However, I wonder, is it really a choice that women make, or is it something they feel they have to do?  Is it really their own decision, or do they feel it’s their only option?  Can women really have ‘no strings attached’ sex or do we naturally attach strings, so to speak? 

For me personally, I find it difficult to not become emotionally attached to someone that I become physical with.  However, I recognize this in myself and as a result, I don’t have ‘no strings attached’ sex or hook ups of any kind.  I do believe there are women that can have these kinds of relationships, and don’t worry about becoming attached, because they have found someone that they only connect with on a physical level.  If there is any emotional connection between them, then I believe a woman is lying to herself if she tells herself that there are no strings attached. 

The reason I was inspired to write this tonight is because I have a friend who is going through this at the moment.  B was in a ‘no strings attached’ relationship with a friend of hers.  However, she found after a few months of this, she was beginning to develop feelings for him.  She told him how she felt, and wasn’t given the response that she wanted.  Now B is faced with a decision, does she cut all ties with him and move on, or does she settle for their ‘no strings attached’ relationship.  The choice for the type of relationship that they could have was taken from her; he made the choice for her.  It’s this, or nothing.  So what is a girl to do?

It reminded me of my relationship with V.  For months I wanted more, and he only wanted to be friends.  We basically acted like a couple, but we weren’t a couple.  Our relationship was never physical (because I had to protect my heart), but the choice was still the same.  It was friendship, or nothing.  I chose friendship, on his terms, because I couldn’t stand the thought of not having him in my life.  I made the wrong choice.  He was bad for me, and thankfully, a little over a month ago; I realized this and ended our “friendship”. 

B is now faced with the same choice.  She can either move on from H, or she can go back to their ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and force herself to be happy with it.  B and I discussed her relationship tonight, and we realized that there really isn’t an emotional connection there with H.  We think that she has fooled herself into believing that there is something more than what there is, because she wants it so bad.  She’s lonely and as a result, she has imaged there to be an emotional connection where there really is only a physical one.

This is exactly why I don’t have sex until I know there is an emotional connection.  Because regardless of whether or not there is, I will believe there to be one because there is a physical one.  My mind confuses lust with love, unless I remove lust from the equation.  I believe B is similar to me in this aspect.  However, perhaps with her realization that there really isn’t an emotional connection there, she can go back to their previous relationship, without getting hurt.

For me personally, I couldn’t risk it.  My heart has been through too much, and I know myself too well.  I would inevitably be hurt by the relationship, or lack there of.  However, I personally know women who can do it.  I have a friend who rarely associates sex with emotion and only establishes physical connections with partners.  I admire her for being able to do so, and more power to her for it.  But, I also know women who pretend that they can do it, but can’t.  They pretend that their ‘no strings attached’ relationship is their own choice, when it was really the only option they had.  It was that or nothing for them, and they chose to accept the relationship for what it was, for fear of having nothing. 

I have advised B to think it over some more, and figure out what she really wants before jumping into anything.  If she realizes she really doesn’t have an emotional connection to H, and she wants to continue the relationship exactly how it was, then good for her.  I think she should go for it.  But I’d hope that if there were any doubt in her mind that she can really have a ‘no strings attached’ relationship with H without wanting more, she would make the choice to move on.  Because trust me, making a choice to settle for less than what you want, for fear of losing someone completely, is the wrong choice.  I made it with V, and I regretted it.  It just prolonged the inevitable, and made the sting of losing him far worse.

I hope she makes the right choice for herself, and only herself.  If she believes there is more than just a physical connection there, then she needs to move on.  She is a beautiful, strong woman, and she will be just fine on her own.  But if she really believes that she can have a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and it truly is her own choice, then she should embrace her freedom to have any type of relationship that she chooses.  All that I ask from her is that whatever she chooses really is her own choice, and not something that she feels she has to settle for, for fear of having nothing. 

Embrace your womanhood B, and make the right choice for you, as an independent and empowered woman.

  

Connections

 We have talked before about relationships and the connections that we make with other people.  I’d like to talk about the connections we can make particularly with our partners.  There are two main ways in which two people in a partnership can connect; these are physically and emotionally.  Some people are lucky enough to find a partner that they connect with both physically and emotionally, however not everyone is so lucky.

Let’s first talk about what it means to connect with someone physically.
We could also call this the sexual connection.  This is the connection that two people make when they are sexually compatible.  There is a deep intimate connection, and they both have the same wants and desires in this aspect of their relationship.  It is a beautiful, harmonious union that leaves both partners satisfied and fulfilled.

An Emotional connection is very different.
This is where two people connect on an emotional and spiritual level.  They understand one another’s hopes and desires, and perhaps share many of these.  They converse on a deeper level, connecting spiritually in their discussions.  They enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level.  They play, share and love whole heartedly.  This is the connection that people tend to desire in their ‘other half’.  It is the connection that often causes people to fall in love.

I believe that both of these connections are equally important in order for a relationship to work, and stand the test of time.  Many people would disagree and would argue that the emotional connection is by far the most important.  And perhaps they are right, but for me, I desperately want both.

I believe I have been in relationships wherein we shared an emotional connection and lacked a physical connection.  I also know I have been in relationships where my partner and I shared an intense physical connection; however there was a definite lack in any emotional connection.  There are both positives and negatives in both types of relationship, in which I will not delve into in any detail.  I do not regret any of these relationships, because I have learned from them all, and they have made me who I am today.

Perhaps I am aiming too high, but I truly believe with all of my heart that I deserve a relationship that is rich in love and happiness, and where we connect both emotionally and physically.  I am an extremely passionate person, and I hope to find a partner with as much passion to offer as I have.  I want him to be passionate about life, happiness and our relationship, passionate both physically and emotionally. 

I believe that in order to find this, two people must first connect emotionally before they can connect physically.  Not always of course, like I said, I had relationships where we had a physical connection without the emotional connection.  But in most cases, if you begin with the physical connection, it is more difficult to establish an emotional connection (particularly for men).

Finding the emotional connection first does make it difficult to ensure that there will be a physical connection there, because once that emotional connection is established, it is difficult to walk away.  However, I believe there are ways to recognize a potential physical connection with a partner.  It is something you can feel in the chemistry.  Something you can feel in the kiss, in his touch and how he looks at you.

I admit it may be very difficult to find both, and perhaps I never will. But it is what I desire in my future partner.  I am still learning from my relationships, dating again is relatively new to me.  I have been on four dates with V over a period of three weeks.  He calls me most nights and we text every day.  He lives almost two hours from me, so it makes things very difficult.  But I feel like we have the potential to have a harmonious physical connection, and at the moment we are getting to know each other and learning if there is an emotional connection there. 

V has never had an emotional connection with someone, all of his relationships have been based on physical connections, and the concept of waiting seems to be a relatively new one for him.  It makes dating him even more of an emotional risk, but I feel like there could be something there with him.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I am going for it, because at the end of the day, it is all a learning experience if it doesn’t go well.  I live with no regrets to the best of my ability, and most regrets that people have are for the things that they don’t do.  So I won’t let my fear of getting hurt, keep me from exploring the possibilities of love and happiness.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Perhaps I am wrong about V being my potential ‘big’, but how will I know if I don’t take the risk?  If there’s no emotional connection there, I will move on, and I will be wiser having had this experience.  I will find a partner to share an emotional and physical connection with and we will have a passionate love.

Wish me luck with this one!