Why are we so quick to believe that we are special?

This may be somewhat of a controversial question, because people would argue that we are all special.  But we can’t all be special to one person.  We are special to our loved ones and ourselves perhaps, but not to everyone else.  When we date someone new, why is it so easy to believe that we are going to be special to that person?

Recently I dated D, and I began feeling things that I hadn’t felt in years.  It was so easy for me to believe that he felt those things too.  D and I had a great time together when we were together, but when we were apart, D had a difficult time telling me the truth.  Understandable, the truth is hard, when you’re a lying, cheating piece of…

Ok, let’s try that again.  I apologize; I may have a teeny tiny bit of anger towards him. 

While I was dating D, he was texting other girls, lying about where he was and meeting up with other girls, sleeping with other girls and basically being an all around sleaze.  I didn’t know everything, I knew he cheated once, and was texting another girl.  We broke up.

D then begged for another chance, telling me he was crazy about me, and he only wanted me.  He could see a future with me, and I was the only girl in his life.  I did have feelings for him; everything I had ever said to him and about him was the truth (because I’m not a liar).  So stupidly, I did give him another chance.  He swore he would show me and prove to me that I could trust him.  He told me that things would be different this time, because he felt different this time.  His feelings were stronger, and he realized it when he lost me.  He wasn’t willing to lose me again.  He would cry and tell me that he couldn’t stand the thought of never getting to hold me again.  “I’m not ok with that, Caroline,” he would say, “I’m never giving up on us, Caroline!”  He would send me video’s of songs that reminded him of me.  He was so sweet and romantic, AND MANIPULATIVE! 

We spent his birthday together (Friday); him, his daughter and I went to Chuck E Cheese.  It was such a wonderful day.  We had so much fun, and I was in a bubble of happiness.  We went back to my house and watched a Disney movie while the three of us cuddled up together on the couch.  He had to leave to get his daughter home because she was due her nap; he said he didn’t want to leave me, even asked me to come back to his house.  I told him it was ok, I would see him tomorrow (Saturday).  He asked if I could come really early, we agreed that 8am would be a good time, because we wanted as much time together as possible.  We spent the day together on Saturday, we went to the fair and I rode every ride with his daughter because he was hung-over from having birthday drinks with his parents the night before (or so he said).

Sunday morning I woke up to a good morning text from my boyfriend.  He called me on his way to work, telling me how much he missed me. We talked about how I was trying to trust him again, and I appreciated him being patient with me.  I told him that it would help me if he posted something about me on his FB page.  That would reassure me that I was the only one.  He got annoyed with me, told me that things would never work if I didn’t trust him.  I apologized and told him that I would trust him again; I just needed some time because of what happened before.  He posted something on FB about me, and I felt bad for doubting him.

I felt so happy.  I was with D again, and things were perfect.  I was going to be seeing him later because we were working together that night.  I sat down with my friend to watch a movie before we got ready for work.  Then my phone buzzed.  “Someone is trying to connect with you on messenger.”  My heart sank, the last time this happened, it was a girl telling me that D had been cheating on me.  This time was no different.  That’s exactly what it was. 

D had been seeing this other girl, KY from his past.  He had been telling her that he had changed and that he only wanted her.  He had been sending her videos of songs and telling her that he missed her.  I found out that he met up with her on the night of his birthday, after spending the day with me.  I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that he was with her in the same day that he had made me feel so special.  I’m so thankful for the friend that I was with that day, because I fell apart, and she was there to pick me back up. 

D had three girls: myself, KY and EL.  We have spoken, and all three of us are getting on well, we understand that it is nothing to do with us, and everything to do with him.  He is in the wrong, not us.  The other girls met up for a drink last night, I didn’t go.  I couldn’t.  I explained that I’m still hurt, and as much as I know it’s not their fault, and I’m not upset with them, it would be too hard for me to meet them. 

KY called me; she said she really wanted to meet me.  She began by telling me that she just didn’t want me to hate her, I explained that I didn’t, but I just wasn’t ready to meet them.  She then began to cry; telling me that she felt like meeting me would help her.  She believes that D felt more for me, and she just wanted to see me and “get some clarification”.  I told her that she was mistaken, that D doesn’t care about any of us.  It is nothing to do with us.  I apologized for not being able to give her the closure she needed, but I just couldn’t put her needs before my own.  And right now, I didn’t need to be meeting my boyfriend’s other partners.  It makes me so angry that D has had this kind of effect on us. 

Both KY and EL are gorgeous.  None of us look anything alike.  At all!!  KY is a brunette with a gorgeous bottom, EL is tall and slim with amazing long, red hair and I’m a blond with big boobs.  We are all very different, and beautiful in our own individual ways.  D has us doubting ourselves and comparing ourselves, but the truth is it has nothing to do with any of us.  It’s all about D and his game… we don’t matter.

I thought I was special.  KY and EL thought they were special too.  We are all special… but not to D.  Not to the person that we wanted to be special for.  The only person that is special to D is D!!  He is selfish and cruel, and he didn’t ever care about any of our feelings or us.  He isn’t a good person.  Which hurts me to say, because I always see the best in people, and I thought I saw something in D.  I believed his eyes when he looked at me like I was the only person that mattered to him.  I believed his embrace when he pulled me close at night and hugged me like he never wanted to let go.  I believed his kiss when he kissed my forehead and whispered that he was “so happy right now Caroline.”  I believed his words when he told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before.

I believed it all because I believed I was special.  But I wasn’t special.  None of us were.  He was lying to all of us.  The same lies.  Sending us the same songs.  None of it was special for me.  None of it was real.  None of it! 

I wasn’t special for D.  But I will be special for someone, one day.  And I won’t have to wonder if I’m the one, or ask him to prove to me that there’s no one else.  I won’t need him to tell me that I’m the only one he wants, because I will just know!  I will be that special person for someone, and I will get my happily ever after.  I know this, because I know I deserve it.  I’m a good person, and it’s not a bad thing that I see the best in people, or love with my whole heart.  One day I will meet someone who appreciates all of that about me, and protects my heart, instead of manipulating it to get what he wants. 

KY and EL, if you’re reading this: I also know that you will both find that person too.  D manipulated all of us, and he was wrong to do what he did.  It wasn’t any of our faults.  The important thing is that we learn from what happened, and never allow it to happen to us again.  We need to recognize the signs of that kind of emotional abuse, and get away before we get ourselves hurt again.  Let’s not spend any more time on D, or boys like D.  I say “boys” because D is most certainly not a man, a man would never treat a woman in this way.  Stay strong ladies, I know it’s hard sometimes because I struggle with it too.  But don’t allow him back in again, I wont.  This is it for me; he’s blocked and removed from my life completely.  Yes I will have to see him at work on Saturday’s, but I will be ignoring him as though he doesn’t exist.

I am special!  To me!  And because I am special, I will not allow myself to be manipulated and disrespected like this again.  I deserve much better, and I will never settle for something like this again.  I will learn from it, and grow.  I have to, because I will not live a life like this, where I am unappreciated.

Leaving the past behind me

So I had been dating someone for the past few weeks.  It was going pretty well, until today when it ended, because I’m a crazy person. 

I met J online a while back, but we stopped talking when I pretty much gave up on the whole dating thing.  We reconnected during my recent trip to Scotland.  He messaged me and told me that he wanted to take me out when I got back, and reluctantly I agreed.  I was so glad I did, because it ended up being THE BEST first date I’d ever been on.  He took me to Dave and Busters.  We ate the crappiest meal, and then had the best time playing some cheesy arcade games.  I kicked his ass in a few of the games, and he luckily won the rest.  The evening was lost in laughter and chitchat and we both left feeling pretty great about our first encounter.

The next few weeks were lovely.  J is literally the nicest guy I have ever dated.  Our dates were a never-ending parade of compliments, talking, sharing, laughing and sweet gazes.  Just the way he looked at me told me that this guy was really into me.  He made me feel so beautiful.  I really loved spending time with him, and was growing to love his itchy beard.

J told me that he couldn’t come over last night because he wanted to get some rest.  Later I got the feeling that he had actually gone out.  It didn’t bother me that he wanted to go out with his friends!  I’m really not the jealous type, and I honestly knew that he was really into me regardless.  But I did struggle with the fact that he lied to me.  Naturally, my mind went into crazy mode, and I decided the relationship was over.

The next day I confronted him and told him it was over for me, and he told me the truth right away.  I believed him, and told him that I wanted to move on from it all.  But it was too late; my crazy had already scared him off.  He told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who could just end it so quickly, without even speaking first.  I tried to explain that that was my way of speaking to him, and that I really didn’t want it to end.  But it was no use, J is a stubborn Leo and his mind was made up.  I then told him that I respected his decision and I wished him luck. 

I’m now sitting here.  Feeling sad, but mostly frustrated at myself.  I became irrational, and I know that.  I threatened to end it (or ended it as he says) because I thought that he might be lying.  I know that I am naturally a very trusting person; I don’t get jealous or suspicious.  But I also know that I have been in quite a few relationships that have perhaps left me with trust issues.  I know lying is a problem for me.  But I didn’t know that I could react so impulsively to a lie (or a perceived lie). 

I have been hurt in the past.  Ex’s have cheated on me, lied to me and let me down.  I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused, and have been left with scars as a result.  I know my past is just that, and I feel like it has made me who I am, and I have learned and grown from all that I have been through.  But perhaps the past isn’t just that.  Perhaps it is still here in my present day, influencing me and affecting my present day relationships.  All that I can do is learn from it, and try not to let it affect my future relationships.

I feel sad tonight, J was great, and I enjoyed spending time with him.  But I do believe that I deserve to, and will find, a wonderful and lasting relationship one day.  What’s for me will not go by me.  There was a reason this happened to me.  Perhaps it was so that I could become aware of the hold my past has on my present, so that I could break from it finally.  It is time to put my past behind me, and embrace my future.  I know it might not be easy, but I need to trust that I deserve happiness and therefore will find it.

I obviously wasn’t meant to be with J.  If I was, he would have understood why I reacted the way I did, and talked through it with me rather than running scared.  Perhaps he has a past that is alive in his present day too.  Perhaps my reaction scared him in the same way that his perceived lying scared me.  I can’t change what happened, but I can prevent it from happening again. 

This is my life, and I will be happy.  One day I will meet someone that loves everything about me, including my crazy (or at least accepts it).  He will be wonderful and I will trust him with all my heart, because he won’t give me reason not to.  And if somehow he does (through no fault of his own), we will work through it, because that will be the relationship that is supposed to last for me.

J is a great guy!  The next girl that he dates will be a lucky one.  He will love on her and compliment her like a true gentleman should, because that is what he is.  I wasn’t the girl for him.  I was just the girl that kicked his ass in some arcade games.  We had a good time together, and our relationship was exactly what we needed it to be.  I wish him luck in everything that he does, and hope that he finds happiness throughout his life.

Type A

“What’s your type?”

“Oh, I go for funny guys.  I like to be able to laugh with a guy.  I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say.  He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic.  And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”

So this is a typical response that I give to that question.  It’s a lie.  Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type?  I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement.  But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me.  I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone.  I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s simple.  It’s because they’re not A**holes! 

Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it.  I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole!  I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys.  But it’s deeper than that for me.  Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat.  I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”

But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees.  “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”

Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right.  It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart.  Isn’t that exciting?  No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is.  That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone.  There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way.  But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry.  Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks. 

So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys.  But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction.  And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers.  The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say. 

I’m taking baby steps.  For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with.  You may remember ‘V’?  We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself.  So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself.  I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys.  In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away.  If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it.  It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working.  I can’t fake attraction, remember?  I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.

I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy.  She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner.  However, I know I can’t be alone in this.  There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?”  Well now you have your answer ladies.  You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man.  I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves.  We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys.  You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you.  Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind.  Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.

Follow me ladies.  No more ‘nice guys finish last!’  Time to end this cycle once and for all.

Real Strength

It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’.  Things ended for good last night.  He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok.  I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt.  The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie.  But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.

I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me.  I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man.  Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear.  I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway.  But it still hurt.  A lot.  Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid.  I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I don’t feel stupid anymore.  So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me.  It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me.  I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship.  I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing.  V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him.  Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?

It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived.  Crying does not make me weak.  If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me.  I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt.  But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was.  Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it.  I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him.  I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”

I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know I will feel that connection again.  I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship.  I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship.  I am kind, caring and supportive.  I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle. 

If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now.  But I refuse to settle.  I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less.  In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person.  Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk.  And tell me, where is the courage in that?  What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?

I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  Of course I do.  I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me.  He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there.  Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently.  But we didn’t, and our story ends here.  I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love.  I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love.  I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve.  And I won’t settle for less.  That’s real strength.