Bad Habits

Seven years ago I was in love.  When that ended, I swore I would stay single until I was over him.  By the time I was over him, and ready to start dating again, I was happy being single.  I began dating guys and never developing feelings for them.  Whether this was deliberate or just a result of being single and happy in myself I don’t know.  I met one guy that I had feelings for right away, you remember V?  But those feelings were never returned, so we never developed a relationship, I was never even physical with V.  Over the years I have continued to date guys that I never developed feelings for, and I was ok with it.  Being in relationships with guys that I knew I would never love, allowed me to demand the very best from every relationship.  I would joke that all my relationships had a one-month expiration, because that was typically how long they would last.  First sight of hormones, and they would be gone, because I didn’t ever care enough to filter my crazy.

I was quite happy dating in this way because it protected my heart.  If I never fell in love, I would never get hurt.  I could end relationships as soon as I was unhappy about something, and never shed a single tear.  I could push them as far as I wanted without ever worrying about them ending it, because I never cared if they did.  I am now learning however, that I may have also picked up some pretty bad dating habits by dating this way.  I am spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy (I’m shamefully laughing as I admit this). 

A month ago I began speaking to a guy that I worked with.  I had always thought he was cute, so when he added me on Facebook I jumped at the chance to talk to him, even though I was already dating someone (though not exclusively).  I knew I was interested in D, and I knew I wanted to kiss him.  I had no idea however that dating him would lead to me feeling things that I haven’t felt in seven years.  Imagine my surprise when I began falling for him.

I can’t even begin to tell you all the ways that D isn’t my type.  But damn if I’m not crazy about that guy!  He is the sweetest, sexiest, most hardheaded pain in ass, and I’ve fallen hard for him.  He makes me so happy.  I miss him when I’m not with him, and I never ever get tired of him when we are together (which is unusual for me).  When we spend the night together not only do we cuddle all night, but also I WANT to be cuddling him all night.  For those that know me, they know that this is unusual for me even when I’m in love.  I don’t like to be touched at night when I’m sleeping, but with D, I’m waking him up if he’s not cuddling me.  I don’t recognize myself.  And I love it.

So here’s the problem.  Like I said, over the years I have picked up some bad dating habits.  The difference now, dating D, is that I actually do care if we break up.  But I’ve spent so long treating guys a certain way because I don’t care, that I’ve developed dating habits that I must now break.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not horrible, I’m still friends with all of the guys I’ve dated over the years (well kind of) so it’s not like I treated them terribly.  And with D, because I have feelings for him, I’m naturally very affectionate and loving. 

But remember, I’m spoiled, bossy, demanding, controlling and crazy.  These things do not make for a good, lasting relationship built on compromise and selflessness.  Things almost ended a few days ago because I pushed D too far with my bossiness and my attitude.  I cried which is very unusual for me, I couldn’t even tell you the last time I cried over a guy; I think it was a year ago because of V, and I think it lasted ten minutes.  I cried a lot longer than ten minutes at the thought of losing D, and it was a wake up call for me. 

D is very understanding of my hormone imbalance; he seems to be willing to deal with the crazy once a month.  But I need to work on how I speak to him when I get that way, and do better at filtering the crazy.  I need to treat him like someone I don’t want to lose, because losing him is not an option for me right now.

Luckily, I am very self-aware of the bad habits I’ve developed, which means I have a good chance of fixing them. 

Perhaps it’s premature to say, but I believe I’ve found something real with D.  Our differences scare me sometimes, and I know that it could be a challenge making things work, but I believe we can.  I believe D when he tells me he feels the same way I do.  I believe that we have a connection that is rare, and therefore we must fight to protect what we have.  His family likes me, and my mum likes him (he meets the rest of my family next week, and I know they’ll love him).  I think they can see how much we care about each other, so how could they not approve.  I realize that I have become one of those soppy people I used to make fun of, but I don’t even care.  I’m so happy.

It is of course terrifying to feel this way.  Every day I worry about how much it will hurt if this ends.  But I don’t care.  I wont let my fear of striking out keep me from playing the game.  The only thing worse than getting hurt is being afraid to get hurt.  I’ve jumped, and there’s no going back now, the only thing I can do is enjoy the fall and hope that I land softly.  Love is scary, if it wasn’t a risk, it wouldn’t be as special when it works and it would be easier to find.  I don’t know how I will feel in a month or two months, or how things will go.  All I know is how I feel now, and this feeling is completely worth the risk.  It’s amazing.  I’m crazy about him, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it work (while he’s good to me anyway). 

I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to go for it with D.  And I’m thankful that he’s so caring and understanding with me.  We agree that communication is important to make a relationship work.  We will talk through any of our problems and work past them in a healthy way, because we both see value in this relationship.  We both want it to work.  And we both believe that it can.

Leaving the past behind me

So I had been dating someone for the past few weeks.  It was going pretty well, until today when it ended, because I’m a crazy person. 

I met J online a while back, but we stopped talking when I pretty much gave up on the whole dating thing.  We reconnected during my recent trip to Scotland.  He messaged me and told me that he wanted to take me out when I got back, and reluctantly I agreed.  I was so glad I did, because it ended up being THE BEST first date I’d ever been on.  He took me to Dave and Busters.  We ate the crappiest meal, and then had the best time playing some cheesy arcade games.  I kicked his ass in a few of the games, and he luckily won the rest.  The evening was lost in laughter and chitchat and we both left feeling pretty great about our first encounter.

The next few weeks were lovely.  J is literally the nicest guy I have ever dated.  Our dates were a never-ending parade of compliments, talking, sharing, laughing and sweet gazes.  Just the way he looked at me told me that this guy was really into me.  He made me feel so beautiful.  I really loved spending time with him, and was growing to love his itchy beard.

J told me that he couldn’t come over last night because he wanted to get some rest.  Later I got the feeling that he had actually gone out.  It didn’t bother me that he wanted to go out with his friends!  I’m really not the jealous type, and I honestly knew that he was really into me regardless.  But I did struggle with the fact that he lied to me.  Naturally, my mind went into crazy mode, and I decided the relationship was over.

The next day I confronted him and told him it was over for me, and he told me the truth right away.  I believed him, and told him that I wanted to move on from it all.  But it was too late; my crazy had already scared him off.  He told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who could just end it so quickly, without even speaking first.  I tried to explain that that was my way of speaking to him, and that I really didn’t want it to end.  But it was no use, J is a stubborn Leo and his mind was made up.  I then told him that I respected his decision and I wished him luck. 

I’m now sitting here.  Feeling sad, but mostly frustrated at myself.  I became irrational, and I know that.  I threatened to end it (or ended it as he says) because I thought that he might be lying.  I know that I am naturally a very trusting person; I don’t get jealous or suspicious.  But I also know that I have been in quite a few relationships that have perhaps left me with trust issues.  I know lying is a problem for me.  But I didn’t know that I could react so impulsively to a lie (or a perceived lie). 

I have been hurt in the past.  Ex’s have cheated on me, lied to me and let me down.  I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused, and have been left with scars as a result.  I know my past is just that, and I feel like it has made me who I am, and I have learned and grown from all that I have been through.  But perhaps the past isn’t just that.  Perhaps it is still here in my present day, influencing me and affecting my present day relationships.  All that I can do is learn from it, and try not to let it affect my future relationships.

I feel sad tonight, J was great, and I enjoyed spending time with him.  But I do believe that I deserve to, and will find, a wonderful and lasting relationship one day.  What’s for me will not go by me.  There was a reason this happened to me.  Perhaps it was so that I could become aware of the hold my past has on my present, so that I could break from it finally.  It is time to put my past behind me, and embrace my future.  I know it might not be easy, but I need to trust that I deserve happiness and therefore will find it.

I obviously wasn’t meant to be with J.  If I was, he would have understood why I reacted the way I did, and talked through it with me rather than running scared.  Perhaps he has a past that is alive in his present day too.  Perhaps my reaction scared him in the same way that his perceived lying scared me.  I can’t change what happened, but I can prevent it from happening again. 

This is my life, and I will be happy.  One day I will meet someone that loves everything about me, including my crazy (or at least accepts it).  He will be wonderful and I will trust him with all my heart, because he won’t give me reason not to.  And if somehow he does (through no fault of his own), we will work through it, because that will be the relationship that is supposed to last for me.

J is a great guy!  The next girl that he dates will be a lucky one.  He will love on her and compliment her like a true gentleman should, because that is what he is.  I wasn’t the girl for him.  I was just the girl that kicked his ass in some arcade games.  We had a good time together, and our relationship was exactly what we needed it to be.  I wish him luck in everything that he does, and hope that he finds happiness throughout his life.

Fairytale or Horror Flick?

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess, who lived in an enchanted kingdom.  The princess needed rescuing, so imagine her delight, when a knight in shining armor rescued her.  The knight turned out to be a prince, and her one true love.  So after they shared true love's first kiss, they married and lived happily ever after… the end.

That right there, is why girls grow up with a skewed view on how love and relationships should go.  Real life isn’t such a fairytale.  There is no such thing as 'happily ever after,' and even if you think you get your ‘happily ever after,’ it doesn't all end at ‘the end.’   Not for me at least.  My dating life is more of a horror flick than a fairytale story.  

You know in those horror movies, when the girl hears a noise in the basement.  Instead of going for help, she wanders slowly into the dark basement, wearing nothing more than a tank top and panties, and holding absolutely nothing in her hands.  She feels her way blindly through the dark shouting, “hello… who's there?”  All the while we’re watching, knowing exactly who’s there and we are shouting at the T.V, “what are you doing?  Don’t go in there!  For goodness sakes, pick up a knife or something girl!”

She’s completely vulnerable, in her lingerie with absolutely nothing to protect herself with, staring blindly in the dark… walking towards her inevitable death.

Well that’s me.  That’s my love story.  Though, I’m not so blind.  I know exactly what I’m walking towards.  I’m very aware of how vulnerable I am in my underwear with no weapon to protect me.  But I keep walking, because I’m ‘that’ girl.  The idiot in the horror movie, that likes to pretend she’s a princess in a fairytale.  

V is still around, still in my life, still waiting for me in the dark basement.  I know it can only end badly with him, and yet I keep going.  Just like the girl in the horror movie.  The problem is, I enjoy being around him so much, and talking to him, and even thinking about him.  I just can’t get enough of the man, and yet, I know he doesn’t feel the same.  Don’t get me wrong, I know he likes me.  In fact, I know he likes me more than he would care to admit.  He does care about me, as much as he might wish he didn’t.  But I know he doesn’t care about me as much as I would like him to.

Perhaps V is the monster in my fairytale, and my knight in shining armor will come and rescue me eventually.  But as twisted as this sounds, right now, I would rather be slaughtered by V in ‘our’ horror flick, than be rescued from V in someone else's fairytale.  Right now, V is the only one that I want, even if it does mean inevitable tragedy for me.

Next month, I will be moving to Florida.  Things are moving forward for me, and I couldn’t be happier.  Things will have to end, for good, with V.  As sad as that makes me, it really is for the best.  Perhaps a move to another State is exactly what I need.  Get me out of the basement, out of the same house.  Maybe then I will be safe.  Let’s just hope my demons don’t follow me, and my knight in shining armor knows where to find me.  Wish me luck… because I definitely need it. 

Type A

“What’s your type?”

“Oh, I go for funny guys.  I like to be able to laugh with a guy.  I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say.  He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic.  And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”

So this is a typical response that I give to that question.  It’s a lie.  Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type?  I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement.  But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me.  I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone.  I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s simple.  It’s because they’re not A**holes! 

Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it.  I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole!  I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys.  But it’s deeper than that for me.  Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat.  I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”

But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees.  “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”

Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right.  It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart.  Isn’t that exciting?  No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is.  That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone.  There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way.  But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry.  Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks. 

So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys.  But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction.  And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers.  The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say. 

I’m taking baby steps.  For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with.  You may remember ‘V’?  We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself.  So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself.  I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys.  In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away.  If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it.  It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working.  I can’t fake attraction, remember?  I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.

I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy.  She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner.  However, I know I can’t be alone in this.  There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?”  Well now you have your answer ladies.  You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man.  I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves.  We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys.  You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you.  Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind.  Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.

Follow me ladies.  No more ‘nice guys finish last!’  Time to end this cycle once and for all.

Connections

 We have talked before about relationships and the connections that we make with other people.  I’d like to talk about the connections we can make particularly with our partners.  There are two main ways in which two people in a partnership can connect; these are physically and emotionally.  Some people are lucky enough to find a partner that they connect with both physically and emotionally, however not everyone is so lucky.

Let’s first talk about what it means to connect with someone physically.
We could also call this the sexual connection.  This is the connection that two people make when they are sexually compatible.  There is a deep intimate connection, and they both have the same wants and desires in this aspect of their relationship.  It is a beautiful, harmonious union that leaves both partners satisfied and fulfilled.

An Emotional connection is very different.
This is where two people connect on an emotional and spiritual level.  They understand one another’s hopes and desires, and perhaps share many of these.  They converse on a deeper level, connecting spiritually in their discussions.  They enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level.  They play, share and love whole heartedly.  This is the connection that people tend to desire in their ‘other half’.  It is the connection that often causes people to fall in love.

I believe that both of these connections are equally important in order for a relationship to work, and stand the test of time.  Many people would disagree and would argue that the emotional connection is by far the most important.  And perhaps they are right, but for me, I desperately want both.

I believe I have been in relationships wherein we shared an emotional connection and lacked a physical connection.  I also know I have been in relationships where my partner and I shared an intense physical connection; however there was a definite lack in any emotional connection.  There are both positives and negatives in both types of relationship, in which I will not delve into in any detail.  I do not regret any of these relationships, because I have learned from them all, and they have made me who I am today.

Perhaps I am aiming too high, but I truly believe with all of my heart that I deserve a relationship that is rich in love and happiness, and where we connect both emotionally and physically.  I am an extremely passionate person, and I hope to find a partner with as much passion to offer as I have.  I want him to be passionate about life, happiness and our relationship, passionate both physically and emotionally. 

I believe that in order to find this, two people must first connect emotionally before they can connect physically.  Not always of course, like I said, I had relationships where we had a physical connection without the emotional connection.  But in most cases, if you begin with the physical connection, it is more difficult to establish an emotional connection (particularly for men).

Finding the emotional connection first does make it difficult to ensure that there will be a physical connection there, because once that emotional connection is established, it is difficult to walk away.  However, I believe there are ways to recognize a potential physical connection with a partner.  It is something you can feel in the chemistry.  Something you can feel in the kiss, in his touch and how he looks at you.

I admit it may be very difficult to find both, and perhaps I never will. But it is what I desire in my future partner.  I am still learning from my relationships, dating again is relatively new to me.  I have been on four dates with V over a period of three weeks.  He calls me most nights and we text every day.  He lives almost two hours from me, so it makes things very difficult.  But I feel like we have the potential to have a harmonious physical connection, and at the moment we are getting to know each other and learning if there is an emotional connection there. 

V has never had an emotional connection with someone, all of his relationships have been based on physical connections, and the concept of waiting seems to be a relatively new one for him.  It makes dating him even more of an emotional risk, but I feel like there could be something there with him.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I am going for it, because at the end of the day, it is all a learning experience if it doesn’t go well.  I live with no regrets to the best of my ability, and most regrets that people have are for the things that they don’t do.  So I won’t let my fear of getting hurt, keep me from exploring the possibilities of love and happiness.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Perhaps I am wrong about V being my potential ‘big’, but how will I know if I don’t take the risk?  If there’s no emotional connection there, I will move on, and I will be wiser having had this experience.  I will find a partner to share an emotional and physical connection with and we will have a passionate love.

Wish me luck with this one!