So I had been dating someone for the past few weeks. It was going pretty well, until today when it
ended, because I’m a crazy person.
I met J online a while back, but we stopped talking when I
pretty much gave up on the whole dating thing.
We reconnected during my recent trip to Scotland. He messaged me and told me that he wanted to
take me out when I got back, and reluctantly I agreed. I was so glad I did, because it ended up
being THE BEST first date I’d ever been on.
He took me to Dave and Busters. We
ate the crappiest meal, and then had the best time playing some cheesy arcade
games. I kicked his ass in a few of the
games, and he luckily won the rest. The
evening was lost in laughter and chitchat and we both left feeling pretty great
about our first encounter.
The next few weeks were lovely. J is literally the nicest guy I have ever
dated. Our dates were a never-ending
parade of compliments, talking, sharing, laughing and sweet gazes. Just the way he looked at me told me that
this guy was really into me. He made me
feel so beautiful. I really loved
spending time with him, and was growing to love his itchy beard.
J told me that he couldn’t come over last night because he
wanted to get some rest. Later I got the
feeling that he had actually gone out.
It didn’t bother me that he wanted to go out with his friends! I’m really not the jealous type, and I
honestly knew that he was really into me regardless. But I did struggle with the fact that he lied
to me. Naturally, my mind went into
crazy mode, and I decided the relationship was over.
The next day I confronted him and told him it was over for
me, and he told me the truth right away.
I believed him, and told him that I wanted to move on from it all. But it was too late; my crazy had already
scared him off. He told me that he
couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who could just end it so quickly,
without even speaking first. I tried to
explain that that was my way of speaking to him, and that I really didn’t want
it to end. But it was no use, J is a
stubborn Leo and his mind was made up. I
then told him that I respected his decision and I wished him luck.
I’m now sitting here.
Feeling sad, but mostly frustrated at myself. I became irrational, and I know that. I threatened to end it (or ended it as he
says) because I thought that he might be lying.
I know that I am naturally a very trusting person; I don’t get jealous
or suspicious. But I also know that I
have been in quite a few relationships that have perhaps left me with trust
issues. I know lying is a problem for
me. But I didn’t know that I could react
so impulsively to a lie (or a perceived lie).
I have been hurt in the past. Ex’s have cheated on me, lied to me and let
me down. I’ve been verbally and
emotionally abused, and have been left with scars as a result. I know my past is just that, and I feel like
it has made me who I am, and I have learned and grown from all that I have been
through. But perhaps the past isn’t just
that. Perhaps it is still here in my
present day, influencing me and affecting my present day relationships. All that I can do is learn from it, and try
not to let it affect my future relationships.
I feel sad tonight, J was great, and I enjoyed spending time
with him. But I do believe that I
deserve to, and will find, a wonderful and lasting relationship one day. What’s for me will not go by me. There was a reason this happened to me. Perhaps it was so that I could become aware
of the hold my past has on my present, so that I could break from it
finally. It is time to put my past
behind me, and embrace my future. I know
it might not be easy, but I need to trust that I deserve happiness and therefore
will find it.
I obviously wasn’t meant to be with J. If I was, he would have understood why I
reacted the way I did, and talked through it with me rather than running
scared. Perhaps he has a past that is
alive in his present day too. Perhaps my
reaction scared him in the same way that his perceived lying scared me. I can’t change what happened, but I can
prevent it from happening again.
This is my life, and I will be happy. One day I will meet someone that loves
everything about me, including my crazy (or at least accepts it). He will be wonderful and I will trust him
with all my heart, because he won’t give me reason not to. And if somehow he does (through no fault of
his own), we will work through it, because that will be the relationship that
is supposed to last for me.
J is a great guy! The
next girl that he dates will be a lucky one.
He will love on her and compliment her like a true gentleman should,
because that is what he is. I wasn’t the
girl for him. I was just the girl that
kicked his ass in some arcade games. We
had a good time together, and our relationship was exactly what we needed it to
be. I wish him luck in everything that
he does, and hope that he finds happiness throughout his life.
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