Be your own light

While I was cleaning out some old things, I found an old folded piece of paper dated June 2011.  Back then I didn’t write in a blog, but writing has always been a release for me and scribbling on the back of a travel insurance print out was not out of the question.  Though I wrote it only four years ago, it was like reading someone else’s life.  It made me sad, remembering how lost I once was.  But it also made me proud of the person I am today, and how far I’ve come.  I have shared with you before that I wasn’t always the positive person that I am today.  I am aware of how annoying my positive attitude can be to some people, and it seems like it just comes naturally to me.  But I wasn’t always this way; I really had to fight to be the positive person that I am.  I definitely had a tendency to get very depressed and lonely.  But I did get through it, and fight it, using my mother’s advice about faking positivity until it came naturally to me, which it now does.  I want to share with you the words that I expressed in 2011, only because I want to emphasize that we all get depressed and face dark times in our life, but we can all come through it if we fight hard enough to find the light.

Sitting here on this flight home, I can’t help but feel anxious and terrified.  Out in Spain it was so much easier to shut off from my life in Scotland, easier to numb myself from the pain, anxieties and stress of University, money and my love life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were of course times in Spain where my loneliness would creep into my psyche, there were even a couple of nights where I cried myself to sleep.  But nothing compared to the pain I felt before, the pain I expect to face when reality once again hits. 

I used to make excuses for why it was good to stay single, arguing that I was too busy with University, work, friends and family to add a boyfriend into the mix.  But my recent fleeting relationship with JB made me realize how wrong I was.  What I realized (or admitted to myself) was that a boyfriend can offer so much needed support by just listening and caring.  I also realized that the feeling of loneliness that I had was my most powerful feeling, above stress and anxiety.  Therefore just vanquishing that feeling of loneliness was enough to give me the strength to cope with the other stresses in my life. 

But here lies my problem once again I am boyfriend-less.  Before I dated JB I had convinced myself that I didn’t want a boyfriend and I certainly didn’t need one.  In fact, I had convinced myself that having a boyfriend would only make things worse.  I now know that this isn’t true, and my loneliness has only increased with this newfound knowledge.  Having had a taste of a relationship, however short it may have been, it makes it more difficult to go back to facing my life alone.

Ten minutes to landing now and I am all the more anxious.  I am terrified of falling into a sea of depression and drowning in my own abyss of self-pity.

All I can do is be aware of my feelings and do my best to prevent it.  Like my very wise mother always says, knowledge is power.  So I will prevent my depression by being knowledgeable of it, and of course, by staying positive.

Reading that was difficult for me, because I was reminded of the pain I used to feel on a regular basis.  It’s easy to forget how lost I once was in myself, and it’s hard to remember a version of myself that isn’t the one I am today.  I am a strong, independent woman, who of course gets lonely and has difficult times that she must work hard to get through.  But the person I am today never doubts herself and her ability to make it through, like the person I used to be once did.  I don’t need a man in my life to get me through life’s many struggles.  I have more stress in my life now than I ever had then, but I am more equipped to cope with those stresses through my positive attitude.  I am proud of how much I have grown, and how far I have come as a person. 

J and I are dating again, our break up lasted a total of three days.  He told me that he wanted to be with me, and he wanted to know what he should do in the future if I happen to fly off again (and let out my crazy).  I am happy that J and I are dating again; it’s going pretty well.  But I don’t NEED J to make me happy.  The only person I need is myself.  This is absolutely nothing to do with the person that J is, but everything to do with the person that I am.  I have come a long way from the girl I used to be.

I’m sharing this entry today for people who are still in their dark times.  I want people to know that they will make it through as long as they keep fighting and staying positive.  It’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel during dark times, but there is always one there, sometimes you just have to look harder to find it.  That light is you, and it can’t be anyone else.  You are the light that will guide you through your dark times.  Everyone else that you meet along the way are merely positive rays that can help your light shine brighter, but you are that original source of light.  And the good news is that only you can extinguish your light, no one else has that power; so don’t give it to them.  Be responsible for your own happiness!  Accept that loneliness is a part of life, and that you don’t need anyone to make you happy.  Take on each day with a fighting spirit, a smile and a positive attitude, and you will see your light grow brighter each day.  We all have the strength inside us, don’t be afraid to unleash yours.  Be your own light!

Leaving the past behind me

So I had been dating someone for the past few weeks.  It was going pretty well, until today when it ended, because I’m a crazy person. 

I met J online a while back, but we stopped talking when I pretty much gave up on the whole dating thing.  We reconnected during my recent trip to Scotland.  He messaged me and told me that he wanted to take me out when I got back, and reluctantly I agreed.  I was so glad I did, because it ended up being THE BEST first date I’d ever been on.  He took me to Dave and Busters.  We ate the crappiest meal, and then had the best time playing some cheesy arcade games.  I kicked his ass in a few of the games, and he luckily won the rest.  The evening was lost in laughter and chitchat and we both left feeling pretty great about our first encounter.

The next few weeks were lovely.  J is literally the nicest guy I have ever dated.  Our dates were a never-ending parade of compliments, talking, sharing, laughing and sweet gazes.  Just the way he looked at me told me that this guy was really into me.  He made me feel so beautiful.  I really loved spending time with him, and was growing to love his itchy beard.

J told me that he couldn’t come over last night because he wanted to get some rest.  Later I got the feeling that he had actually gone out.  It didn’t bother me that he wanted to go out with his friends!  I’m really not the jealous type, and I honestly knew that he was really into me regardless.  But I did struggle with the fact that he lied to me.  Naturally, my mind went into crazy mode, and I decided the relationship was over.

The next day I confronted him and told him it was over for me, and he told me the truth right away.  I believed him, and told him that I wanted to move on from it all.  But it was too late; my crazy had already scared him off.  He told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who could just end it so quickly, without even speaking first.  I tried to explain that that was my way of speaking to him, and that I really didn’t want it to end.  But it was no use, J is a stubborn Leo and his mind was made up.  I then told him that I respected his decision and I wished him luck. 

I’m now sitting here.  Feeling sad, but mostly frustrated at myself.  I became irrational, and I know that.  I threatened to end it (or ended it as he says) because I thought that he might be lying.  I know that I am naturally a very trusting person; I don’t get jealous or suspicious.  But I also know that I have been in quite a few relationships that have perhaps left me with trust issues.  I know lying is a problem for me.  But I didn’t know that I could react so impulsively to a lie (or a perceived lie). 

I have been hurt in the past.  Ex’s have cheated on me, lied to me and let me down.  I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused, and have been left with scars as a result.  I know my past is just that, and I feel like it has made me who I am, and I have learned and grown from all that I have been through.  But perhaps the past isn’t just that.  Perhaps it is still here in my present day, influencing me and affecting my present day relationships.  All that I can do is learn from it, and try not to let it affect my future relationships.

I feel sad tonight, J was great, and I enjoyed spending time with him.  But I do believe that I deserve to, and will find, a wonderful and lasting relationship one day.  What’s for me will not go by me.  There was a reason this happened to me.  Perhaps it was so that I could become aware of the hold my past has on my present, so that I could break from it finally.  It is time to put my past behind me, and embrace my future.  I know it might not be easy, but I need to trust that I deserve happiness and therefore will find it.

I obviously wasn’t meant to be with J.  If I was, he would have understood why I reacted the way I did, and talked through it with me rather than running scared.  Perhaps he has a past that is alive in his present day too.  Perhaps my reaction scared him in the same way that his perceived lying scared me.  I can’t change what happened, but I can prevent it from happening again. 

This is my life, and I will be happy.  One day I will meet someone that loves everything about me, including my crazy (or at least accepts it).  He will be wonderful and I will trust him with all my heart, because he won’t give me reason not to.  And if somehow he does (through no fault of his own), we will work through it, because that will be the relationship that is supposed to last for me.

J is a great guy!  The next girl that he dates will be a lucky one.  He will love on her and compliment her like a true gentleman should, because that is what he is.  I wasn’t the girl for him.  I was just the girl that kicked his ass in some arcade games.  We had a good time together, and our relationship was exactly what we needed it to be.  I wish him luck in everything that he does, and hope that he finds happiness throughout his life.

Christina and Jamie

Last week, my baby sister got married to a wonderful man.  She has been with him for around seven years (it might be more now) and they have a beautiful relationship.  I was given the honor of being Christina’s Maid of Honor, and as such, I had the opportunity to give a speech.  When I wrote my speech it occurred to me, that it sounded more like a blog entry than a speech, but then that is how I write.  So now I would like to share what I had to say about my sister and my wonderful brother in law.  I usually replace names with letters, in order to protect people’s privacy, however, I know they won’t mind me using their names in this case.

When I look at Christina and Jamie’s relationship, and I watch them together as a couple, I’m filled with so much pride for my baby sister.  I’m proud of who she is as a person; she’s such a good, loyal, strong, determined caring and loving person.  I’m proud of who she has chosen to spend her life with; Jamie adores Christina and treats her like a princess.  I’m proud of the mature decisions she has made in life, and the mature decisions her and Jamie have made together as a couple.  I’m proud of the woman she is today and the woman I know she will be tomorrow.  As a big sister, I’m so proud of my baby sister.  But I also look up to her in so many ways.  Watching her and Jamie together has taught me so much.  I’m ashamed to admit that throughout my life, I’ve not always made the best decisions when it comes to the guys that I date.  Watching Christina and Jamie, I’ve learned what love looks like, and how relationships should be. 

Jamie adores Christina, and will do anything to make her happy.  Whether that means listening to her while she complains about her day; or making her pasta or a pot noodle because she’s just came in from a night out and she’s hungry; or watching her shows on the tv; or rubbing her feet because she’s feeling stressed; or giving her more room in the bed; or waking up, in the middle of the night, so she can talk about the dream that she’s had that upset her so much, even though he needs to get up in a couple of hours for work.  Jamie does all of these things because he adores Christina, and doing them doesn’t feel like a strain to him, because seeing her happy is what makes him happy.  Jamie also appreciates all that Christina does for him, like looking after their home or having his bath ready for him getting home from work.  He appreciates everything she does and doesn’t expect or demand anything from her.  This is why I know Jamie will be an amazing husband.

I also know that Christina will be a wonderful wife, because I see how she is as a girlfriend.  I see the way Christina supports Jamie; she respects him and admires him.  I see the way she looks at him with such love and admiration in her eyes.  Christina will be a strong and supportive wife to Jamie.

They will be an amazing married couple, and one day, amazing parents.  They have so much love for one another that starting a family could only strengthen them as a unit.  They’re a team, and I know that when they made their vows today, they meant every word they promised and they will sustain those promises throughout their marriage. 

I’m filled with so much joy today as I look at Christina and Jamie.  Over the years Jamie has become a part of my family, and I love him very much, and I could not be happier that he is the person who my sister has chosen to marry.  I’m excited for their future as a couple and for our future as a family.

I then gave a toast to the couple and wished them luck in their marriage.  Though, I know that they don’t need it.  I know they will be an amazing couple.  It was a beautiful wedding, with so much love and joy, and I know their marriage will be as such.  I am so thankful that Christina and Jamie found each other.  Any man that I do date will have a lot to live up to, with Jamie being the standard for comparison.  He’s such a good man, and will be a wonderful husband.

I am so thankful to have been a part of Christina and Jamie’s special day.  I didn’t take my job as Maid of Honor lightly, and I loved every single minute of it.  I was so lucky to be by Christina’s side the whole day, and a part of their special moments.  I can’t believe my baby sister is married!!

Congratulations to Christina and Jamie!!

Can women really do 'no strings attached' relationships?

It’s no secret that men and women are different when it comes to sex and matters of the heart.  However, lately the lines between men and women have become rather blurry.  Women are becoming more independent and empowered, and as a result, own their sexuality in a way that they have never done before.  Women are having one-night stands, and ‘no strings attached’ relationships, and they are no longer allowing themselves to be judged for doing so.  And rightly so, men have been living this way for years, and there has never been a stigma attached to them.  If a man chooses to sew his wild oats, then he is a king, a player, and it is celebrated.  If a woman chooses to do the same, she is a slut, too promiscuous, and she is shamed for it.  I absolutely agree that a woman should be given the same right to explore her sexuality that a man has.  If she chooses to have a string of one-night stands or a friend with benefits, rather than a relationship, then so she should.

However, I wonder, is it really a choice that women make, or is it something they feel they have to do?  Is it really their own decision, or do they feel it’s their only option?  Can women really have ‘no strings attached’ sex or do we naturally attach strings, so to speak? 

For me personally, I find it difficult to not become emotionally attached to someone that I become physical with.  However, I recognize this in myself and as a result, I don’t have ‘no strings attached’ sex or hook ups of any kind.  I do believe there are women that can have these kinds of relationships, and don’t worry about becoming attached, because they have found someone that they only connect with on a physical level.  If there is any emotional connection between them, then I believe a woman is lying to herself if she tells herself that there are no strings attached. 

The reason I was inspired to write this tonight is because I have a friend who is going through this at the moment.  B was in a ‘no strings attached’ relationship with a friend of hers.  However, she found after a few months of this, she was beginning to develop feelings for him.  She told him how she felt, and wasn’t given the response that she wanted.  Now B is faced with a decision, does she cut all ties with him and move on, or does she settle for their ‘no strings attached’ relationship.  The choice for the type of relationship that they could have was taken from her; he made the choice for her.  It’s this, or nothing.  So what is a girl to do?

It reminded me of my relationship with V.  For months I wanted more, and he only wanted to be friends.  We basically acted like a couple, but we weren’t a couple.  Our relationship was never physical (because I had to protect my heart), but the choice was still the same.  It was friendship, or nothing.  I chose friendship, on his terms, because I couldn’t stand the thought of not having him in my life.  I made the wrong choice.  He was bad for me, and thankfully, a little over a month ago; I realized this and ended our “friendship”. 

B is now faced with the same choice.  She can either move on from H, or she can go back to their ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and force herself to be happy with it.  B and I discussed her relationship tonight, and we realized that there really isn’t an emotional connection there with H.  We think that she has fooled herself into believing that there is something more than what there is, because she wants it so bad.  She’s lonely and as a result, she has imaged there to be an emotional connection where there really is only a physical one.

This is exactly why I don’t have sex until I know there is an emotional connection.  Because regardless of whether or not there is, I will believe there to be one because there is a physical one.  My mind confuses lust with love, unless I remove lust from the equation.  I believe B is similar to me in this aspect.  However, perhaps with her realization that there really isn’t an emotional connection there, she can go back to their previous relationship, without getting hurt.

For me personally, I couldn’t risk it.  My heart has been through too much, and I know myself too well.  I would inevitably be hurt by the relationship, or lack there of.  However, I personally know women who can do it.  I have a friend who rarely associates sex with emotion and only establishes physical connections with partners.  I admire her for being able to do so, and more power to her for it.  But, I also know women who pretend that they can do it, but can’t.  They pretend that their ‘no strings attached’ relationship is their own choice, when it was really the only option they had.  It was that or nothing for them, and they chose to accept the relationship for what it was, for fear of having nothing. 

I have advised B to think it over some more, and figure out what she really wants before jumping into anything.  If she realizes she really doesn’t have an emotional connection to H, and she wants to continue the relationship exactly how it was, then good for her.  I think she should go for it.  But I’d hope that if there were any doubt in her mind that she can really have a ‘no strings attached’ relationship with H without wanting more, she would make the choice to move on.  Because trust me, making a choice to settle for less than what you want, for fear of losing someone completely, is the wrong choice.  I made it with V, and I regretted it.  It just prolonged the inevitable, and made the sting of losing him far worse.

I hope she makes the right choice for herself, and only herself.  If she believes there is more than just a physical connection there, then she needs to move on.  She is a beautiful, strong woman, and she will be just fine on her own.  But if she really believes that she can have a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and it truly is her own choice, then she should embrace her freedom to have any type of relationship that she chooses.  All that I ask from her is that whatever she chooses really is her own choice, and not something that she feels she has to settle for, for fear of having nothing. 

Embrace your womanhood B, and make the right choice for you, as an independent and empowered woman.

  

Connections

 We have talked before about relationships and the connections that we make with other people.  I’d like to talk about the connections we can make particularly with our partners.  There are two main ways in which two people in a partnership can connect; these are physically and emotionally.  Some people are lucky enough to find a partner that they connect with both physically and emotionally, however not everyone is so lucky.

Let’s first talk about what it means to connect with someone physically.
We could also call this the sexual connection.  This is the connection that two people make when they are sexually compatible.  There is a deep intimate connection, and they both have the same wants and desires in this aspect of their relationship.  It is a beautiful, harmonious union that leaves both partners satisfied and fulfilled.

An Emotional connection is very different.
This is where two people connect on an emotional and spiritual level.  They understand one another’s hopes and desires, and perhaps share many of these.  They converse on a deeper level, connecting spiritually in their discussions.  They enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level.  They play, share and love whole heartedly.  This is the connection that people tend to desire in their ‘other half’.  It is the connection that often causes people to fall in love.

I believe that both of these connections are equally important in order for a relationship to work, and stand the test of time.  Many people would disagree and would argue that the emotional connection is by far the most important.  And perhaps they are right, but for me, I desperately want both.

I believe I have been in relationships wherein we shared an emotional connection and lacked a physical connection.  I also know I have been in relationships where my partner and I shared an intense physical connection; however there was a definite lack in any emotional connection.  There are both positives and negatives in both types of relationship, in which I will not delve into in any detail.  I do not regret any of these relationships, because I have learned from them all, and they have made me who I am today.

Perhaps I am aiming too high, but I truly believe with all of my heart that I deserve a relationship that is rich in love and happiness, and where we connect both emotionally and physically.  I am an extremely passionate person, and I hope to find a partner with as much passion to offer as I have.  I want him to be passionate about life, happiness and our relationship, passionate both physically and emotionally. 

I believe that in order to find this, two people must first connect emotionally before they can connect physically.  Not always of course, like I said, I had relationships where we had a physical connection without the emotional connection.  But in most cases, if you begin with the physical connection, it is more difficult to establish an emotional connection (particularly for men).

Finding the emotional connection first does make it difficult to ensure that there will be a physical connection there, because once that emotional connection is established, it is difficult to walk away.  However, I believe there are ways to recognize a potential physical connection with a partner.  It is something you can feel in the chemistry.  Something you can feel in the kiss, in his touch and how he looks at you.

I admit it may be very difficult to find both, and perhaps I never will. But it is what I desire in my future partner.  I am still learning from my relationships, dating again is relatively new to me.  I have been on four dates with V over a period of three weeks.  He calls me most nights and we text every day.  He lives almost two hours from me, so it makes things very difficult.  But I feel like we have the potential to have a harmonious physical connection, and at the moment we are getting to know each other and learning if there is an emotional connection there. 

V has never had an emotional connection with someone, all of his relationships have been based on physical connections, and the concept of waiting seems to be a relatively new one for him.  It makes dating him even more of an emotional risk, but I feel like there could be something there with him.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I am going for it, because at the end of the day, it is all a learning experience if it doesn’t go well.  I live with no regrets to the best of my ability, and most regrets that people have are for the things that they don’t do.  So I won’t let my fear of getting hurt, keep me from exploring the possibilities of love and happiness.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Perhaps I am wrong about V being my potential ‘big’, but how will I know if I don’t take the risk?  If there’s no emotional connection there, I will move on, and I will be wiser having had this experience.  I will find a partner to share an emotional and physical connection with and we will have a passionate love.

Wish me luck with this one!