Taking responsibility for my happiness

For those of you that follow my blog and know who V is, you are about to get pretty frustrated with me.  Of course, I have been talking to him again.  Yes, this is the same V that I have written about quitting numerous times.  It seems he’s not quite as easy to quit, as I would have hoped.

In my last blog entry I wrote about taking my life back.  I wrote about getting healthy, mind and body.  I have been losing weight (slowly but surely), some days I struggle more than others to stay focused and motivated, but I’ve not gained and I’m still losing.  I didn’t talk to V for three weeks.  I stayed strong, and didn’t contact him, even though I really wanted to.  Until one night when I sent him a text, asking if he had missed me.  He responded telling me that he had, and he wanted us to talk again.  I told him we couldn’t talk again, nothing had changed, and I shouldn’t have text him.  He then told me how much he had missed talking to me and he had missed my laugh and my positive attitude.  He swore that he had learned his lesson and that things would be different this time.  No more being cruel for cruelness sake.  No more mean jokes or mind games.

We began talking again, and he really did keep his word.  He was sweet, kind, comforting and wonderful.  He would still make jokes, but that is his sense of humor, and he was no longer mean to me.  He would even ask to call me, and tell me he missed me or missed my voice.  He would talk to me for hours and then tell me that I had made him smile.  He still maintained that we were just friends.  But we txt all day every day, and called each other two or three times a day, whenever we could.  Talking to him made me so happy, I looked forward to hearing his voice, and I swooned knowing that he looked forward to hearing mine.

A week is all that this wonderfulness lasted for.  Of course I began building romantic ideas in my head once again.  Ideas of love and being together, and, one day even, ideas of marriage and children.  I was a fool in love all over again.  Telling myself that he MUST have feelings for me if he missed my voice and my laugh.  I mean, I love my friends, and I miss them, but I don’t miss the sound of their voice.  His is the only voice that I miss like that.  I deluded myself with thoughts of him realizing his love for me.  I duped myself into believing that we were in some sort of relationship, and would one day be together.  I did all this, in the full knowledge that we were “just friends”.  I believed that he really did have feelings for me, but was just afraid of them.

V asked me to call him after work last night.  I knew he needed to go to bed early for work the next day, so I rushed around getting my things done so that I could get out and call him.  When I txt him, he responded telling me he was with a friend, and was busy.  He didn’t txt me again after that.  Something in me snapped.  I convinced myself that he must be with another girl, which is why he couldn’t text.  It’s important to know that I am not the jealous type, I am very trusting of my partners, and I never worry about them cheating.  But with V it is different.  We are not in a relationship; he can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants.  So I snapped.  I was mad that he didn’t let me know that we wouldn’t be able to talk.  I was mad that he was (maybe) with someone else.  I was mad that he didn’t want to be with me.  I said some things I shouldn’t have, and I have not heard from him since.

I realized something today.  It doesn’t matter how nice or supportive V is to me.  His meanness was never the reason why he was bad for me.  I am the reason V is bad for me.  It is my one sided love for him which is why he is bad for me.  V was never the one responsible it was always me.  V was mean to me because I allowed it, when I put my foot down and refused to accept that kind of behavior from him anymore, the behavior stopped.  V was never the problem it was always me.  V might have feelings for me and be confused, or he might genuinely not have any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.  None of that matters at all.  What matters is that he does not reciprocate the feelings I have for him, and therefor I must move on.  Being friends doesn’t work.  I can’t handle it; I get hurt, angry and jealous.  V is toxic to me, because of how I feel about him, not because of how he feels about me. 

It would be lovely if one day I could be V’s friend.  But I can’t right now.  I can’t burry my feelings, and it’s too hard for me to talk to him.  When he tells me he misses my voice, or me or compliments me in any way, I read too much into it and convince myself that he has feelings for me too.  That is toxic thinking, and I can’t have it in my life.  In an ideal world, V would love me and move to Florida to be with me.  But this is reality, and I need to stop living in a fantasy world, convincing myself of feelings that just aren’t there. 

My mum told me that I am the center of my universe and I need to love myself more than I love any other person.  She instructed me to take all of the time and energy I put into my feelings for V, and put them into myself instead.  I deserve more than to have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way.  I am a wonderful person.  I need to focus on getting healthy, and the self-confidence and love for myself will come.  Until that comes, how can I expect to ever be in a healthy relationship? 

V is a good person, and he has it right.  He knows what he wants (his career) and he focuses on it.  All he ever did was try to be my friend, it was me that chose to read too much into every little thing he said or did.  I wish him all the best in everything he does.  I just need to move on from him now.  I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and happiness.  I need to focus on what I want, just like V has done.  And if being friends is not what I want, then I need to move on from him, no matter how difficult it may be.