Type A

“What’s your type?”

“Oh, I go for funny guys.  I like to be able to laugh with a guy.  I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say.  He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic.  And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”

So this is a typical response that I give to that question.  It’s a lie.  Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type?  I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement.  But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me.  I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone.  I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s simple.  It’s because they’re not A**holes! 

Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it.  I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole!  I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys.  But it’s deeper than that for me.  Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat.  I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”

But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees.  “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”

Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right.  It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart.  Isn’t that exciting?  No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is.  That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone.  There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way.  But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry.  Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks. 

So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys.  But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction.  And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers.  The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say. 

I’m taking baby steps.  For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with.  You may remember ‘V’?  We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself.  So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself.  I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys.  In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away.  If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it.  It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working.  I can’t fake attraction, remember?  I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.

I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy.  She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner.  However, I know I can’t be alone in this.  There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?”  Well now you have your answer ladies.  You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man.  I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves.  We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys.  You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you.  Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind.  Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.

Follow me ladies.  No more ‘nice guys finish last!’  Time to end this cycle once and for all.

Do Something About It

In life you will meet two types of people.  There is the type of person that good things happen to.  And there is the type that bad things happen to.  The truth is good and bad things happen to everyone.  It is life.  There is no getting around it.  But it is how you choose to let these things effect your life that defines what group we are categorized into.  Do you choose to focus and dwell on the negative?  Or do you choose to focus on and reach for the positive? 

If I poured you a lovely glass of sweet red wine and I only filled it half way (which would only ever happen if the bottle was finished).  Would you say that the glass was half full, or half empty?  Wine is a bad example; I’ve lost my train of thought.  I’ll be right back once I fill up the rest of my half full glass of wine… ok better.

I’d like to think of myself as a “half full” type of person.  I think I am a pretty positive person.  I strive to be positive in everything I do.  Things tend to work out for me, and when they don’t I believe that they weren’t supposed to.  So I try not to dwell on them. 

I wasn’t always this way you know.  I had to train myself to be this way.  It took me a long time, but eventually positive thinking became very natural to me.  I used to be a dweller.  I’d focus so intently on the negative in my life, that sadly, I’m ashamed to admit; I missed a lot of the positive.  Bad things just kept happening to me. 

“Why me?”  I would ask myself over and over.  Until one day my wise mother told me exactly why.  It was my negative attitude.  (It was also a series of poor choices causing the bad things to happen, but that is a story for another day.)  I realized (with a not so gentle nudge in the right direction from my mother) that I had to make a change in the way I viewed my life.  My mum advised me to first fake positivity, and make a conscious effort to be positive… and then eventually it would come naturally to me.  Turns out she was right, after years of forcing myself to think positively, one day I realized, I wasn’t trying any more.  It was how I thought naturally. 

Things began working out for me.  Or did they?  I really don’t know, because when they didn’t work out, I was positive about that too.  Telling myself that it wasn’t supposed to work out.  Then later when something good would happen, I would remind myself of the “bad” thing that happened before and I would think, “see, if that hadn’t happened, then this wouldn’t be happening now!”  Always-positive thoughts.

Now and then negative thoughts will creep in.  I am human after all, and things aren’t exactly gumdrops and rainbows for me all the time.  It is normal to feel sad or down from time to time.  It’s just important to not let those feelings destroy me, like they used to.  I deal with them (maybe have a wee cry) and move on.  I try to solve my problems and work through them with a positive attitude.  If something is broken.  FIX IT!!  Stop complaining and…  Do something about it! 

Last week I spoke about a few of my “demons”.  I shared how miserable I had been about my phone.   Using it made me mad.  Looking at it would get me down and remind me that I had worked hard at university, and I am still broke and struggling and perhaps going no where in this career (lots of problems with translating my degree, etcetera).  I did something about it!  I bought an iPhone.  Yes it hurt me a little financially.  But no amount of money is worth me being so miserable.  I will make sacrifices for it.  I love my new phone!  So happy!  I feel like I earned it.  I feel like my years of hard work were worth it.  That feeling, my friends; is priceless.

I also spoke about my lack of motivation with the gym.  I complained that my new tutoring job had taken away from my workout two days a week.  Did I give up and dwell on the negative?  NO!  I did something about it!  I now get up very (very) early on those two days, and work out in the morning before I go to work.  Doing that has given me the motivation I had lost.  And I am feeling positive about my weight loss goals.  (Because there is no other possible way to feel!)

I’m here in America without my Mum, without my sisters and without my step dad and puppy.  I could focus and dwell on the fact that I am without them.  I could let my loneliness eat at me, and allow my missing them to consume me.  But I don’t.  That would be focusing on the negative.  Instead, I focus on the things I love about being here.  I take comfort in and I am thankful that I have loved ones TO MISS.  It means that I have love.  For that I am so lucky!  I am thankful for instant messaging and Skype, so that I can speak to them as often as I need to.  Yes, I need them here.  I can’t imagine living without them for much longer.  But I am positive it will all be worth it in the end.  They will be here, and we will all be together.  Everything will work out!  It has to!  There is no doubt in my mind that it will.  None whatsoever, and I say that with absolute certainty!  Positive thinking is a powerful thing!

What type of person are you?  Is your glass half full?  Or do you focus on the negatives in your life.  If you are a positive thinker then I commend you.  I know it is not always easy to stay positive through everything.

If you are a negative thinker and you just can’t understand why bad things keep happening to you.  Then do me a favor and try to think positive.  Take my mum’s advise, do what I did and watch your life change.  Witness your own emotional growth in happiness.  Experience life in the upward stream and enjoy life once again.  Trust me, your happiness is up to you.  You control your own life.  If things aren’t going your way…

            DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I'd like to dedicate this blog entry to my wonderful mum, without whom I would not be the positive, strong and (somewhat) independent person I am today.  Thank you for every bit of advise you've ever given me.  I don't know what I would do without you, and I love you so much!  I miss you every day, and I'm counting down the days until we can all be here, together.

"From scraped up knees, to the birds and the bees.  You were always there for me!" - Caroline Craft