Be your own light

While I was cleaning out some old things, I found an old folded piece of paper dated June 2011.  Back then I didn’t write in a blog, but writing has always been a release for me and scribbling on the back of a travel insurance print out was not out of the question.  Though I wrote it only four years ago, it was like reading someone else’s life.  It made me sad, remembering how lost I once was.  But it also made me proud of the person I am today, and how far I’ve come.  I have shared with you before that I wasn’t always the positive person that I am today.  I am aware of how annoying my positive attitude can be to some people, and it seems like it just comes naturally to me.  But I wasn’t always this way; I really had to fight to be the positive person that I am.  I definitely had a tendency to get very depressed and lonely.  But I did get through it, and fight it, using my mother’s advice about faking positivity until it came naturally to me, which it now does.  I want to share with you the words that I expressed in 2011, only because I want to emphasize that we all get depressed and face dark times in our life, but we can all come through it if we fight hard enough to find the light.

Sitting here on this flight home, I can’t help but feel anxious and terrified.  Out in Spain it was so much easier to shut off from my life in Scotland, easier to numb myself from the pain, anxieties and stress of University, money and my love life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were of course times in Spain where my loneliness would creep into my psyche, there were even a couple of nights where I cried myself to sleep.  But nothing compared to the pain I felt before, the pain I expect to face when reality once again hits. 

I used to make excuses for why it was good to stay single, arguing that I was too busy with University, work, friends and family to add a boyfriend into the mix.  But my recent fleeting relationship with JB made me realize how wrong I was.  What I realized (or admitted to myself) was that a boyfriend can offer so much needed support by just listening and caring.  I also realized that the feeling of loneliness that I had was my most powerful feeling, above stress and anxiety.  Therefore just vanquishing that feeling of loneliness was enough to give me the strength to cope with the other stresses in my life. 

But here lies my problem once again I am boyfriend-less.  Before I dated JB I had convinced myself that I didn’t want a boyfriend and I certainly didn’t need one.  In fact, I had convinced myself that having a boyfriend would only make things worse.  I now know that this isn’t true, and my loneliness has only increased with this newfound knowledge.  Having had a taste of a relationship, however short it may have been, it makes it more difficult to go back to facing my life alone.

Ten minutes to landing now and I am all the more anxious.  I am terrified of falling into a sea of depression and drowning in my own abyss of self-pity.

All I can do is be aware of my feelings and do my best to prevent it.  Like my very wise mother always says, knowledge is power.  So I will prevent my depression by being knowledgeable of it, and of course, by staying positive.

Reading that was difficult for me, because I was reminded of the pain I used to feel on a regular basis.  It’s easy to forget how lost I once was in myself, and it’s hard to remember a version of myself that isn’t the one I am today.  I am a strong, independent woman, who of course gets lonely and has difficult times that she must work hard to get through.  But the person I am today never doubts herself and her ability to make it through, like the person I used to be once did.  I don’t need a man in my life to get me through life’s many struggles.  I have more stress in my life now than I ever had then, but I am more equipped to cope with those stresses through my positive attitude.  I am proud of how much I have grown, and how far I have come as a person. 

J and I are dating again, our break up lasted a total of three days.  He told me that he wanted to be with me, and he wanted to know what he should do in the future if I happen to fly off again (and let out my crazy).  I am happy that J and I are dating again; it’s going pretty well.  But I don’t NEED J to make me happy.  The only person I need is myself.  This is absolutely nothing to do with the person that J is, but everything to do with the person that I am.  I have come a long way from the girl I used to be.

I’m sharing this entry today for people who are still in their dark times.  I want people to know that they will make it through as long as they keep fighting and staying positive.  It’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel during dark times, but there is always one there, sometimes you just have to look harder to find it.  That light is you, and it can’t be anyone else.  You are the light that will guide you through your dark times.  Everyone else that you meet along the way are merely positive rays that can help your light shine brighter, but you are that original source of light.  And the good news is that only you can extinguish your light, no one else has that power; so don’t give it to them.  Be responsible for your own happiness!  Accept that loneliness is a part of life, and that you don’t need anyone to make you happy.  Take on each day with a fighting spirit, a smile and a positive attitude, and you will see your light grow brighter each day.  We all have the strength inside us, don’t be afraid to unleash yours.  Be your own light!

Taking responsibility for my happiness

For those of you that follow my blog and know who V is, you are about to get pretty frustrated with me.  Of course, I have been talking to him again.  Yes, this is the same V that I have written about quitting numerous times.  It seems he’s not quite as easy to quit, as I would have hoped.

In my last blog entry I wrote about taking my life back.  I wrote about getting healthy, mind and body.  I have been losing weight (slowly but surely), some days I struggle more than others to stay focused and motivated, but I’ve not gained and I’m still losing.  I didn’t talk to V for three weeks.  I stayed strong, and didn’t contact him, even though I really wanted to.  Until one night when I sent him a text, asking if he had missed me.  He responded telling me that he had, and he wanted us to talk again.  I told him we couldn’t talk again, nothing had changed, and I shouldn’t have text him.  He then told me how much he had missed talking to me and he had missed my laugh and my positive attitude.  He swore that he had learned his lesson and that things would be different this time.  No more being cruel for cruelness sake.  No more mean jokes or mind games.

We began talking again, and he really did keep his word.  He was sweet, kind, comforting and wonderful.  He would still make jokes, but that is his sense of humor, and he was no longer mean to me.  He would even ask to call me, and tell me he missed me or missed my voice.  He would talk to me for hours and then tell me that I had made him smile.  He still maintained that we were just friends.  But we txt all day every day, and called each other two or three times a day, whenever we could.  Talking to him made me so happy, I looked forward to hearing his voice, and I swooned knowing that he looked forward to hearing mine.

A week is all that this wonderfulness lasted for.  Of course I began building romantic ideas in my head once again.  Ideas of love and being together, and, one day even, ideas of marriage and children.  I was a fool in love all over again.  Telling myself that he MUST have feelings for me if he missed my voice and my laugh.  I mean, I love my friends, and I miss them, but I don’t miss the sound of their voice.  His is the only voice that I miss like that.  I deluded myself with thoughts of him realizing his love for me.  I duped myself into believing that we were in some sort of relationship, and would one day be together.  I did all this, in the full knowledge that we were “just friends”.  I believed that he really did have feelings for me, but was just afraid of them.

V asked me to call him after work last night.  I knew he needed to go to bed early for work the next day, so I rushed around getting my things done so that I could get out and call him.  When I txt him, he responded telling me he was with a friend, and was busy.  He didn’t txt me again after that.  Something in me snapped.  I convinced myself that he must be with another girl, which is why he couldn’t text.  It’s important to know that I am not the jealous type, I am very trusting of my partners, and I never worry about them cheating.  But with V it is different.  We are not in a relationship; he can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants.  So I snapped.  I was mad that he didn’t let me know that we wouldn’t be able to talk.  I was mad that he was (maybe) with someone else.  I was mad that he didn’t want to be with me.  I said some things I shouldn’t have, and I have not heard from him since.

I realized something today.  It doesn’t matter how nice or supportive V is to me.  His meanness was never the reason why he was bad for me.  I am the reason V is bad for me.  It is my one sided love for him which is why he is bad for me.  V was never the one responsible it was always me.  V was mean to me because I allowed it, when I put my foot down and refused to accept that kind of behavior from him anymore, the behavior stopped.  V was never the problem it was always me.  V might have feelings for me and be confused, or he might genuinely not have any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.  None of that matters at all.  What matters is that he does not reciprocate the feelings I have for him, and therefor I must move on.  Being friends doesn’t work.  I can’t handle it; I get hurt, angry and jealous.  V is toxic to me, because of how I feel about him, not because of how he feels about me. 

It would be lovely if one day I could be V’s friend.  But I can’t right now.  I can’t burry my feelings, and it’s too hard for me to talk to him.  When he tells me he misses my voice, or me or compliments me in any way, I read too much into it and convince myself that he has feelings for me too.  That is toxic thinking, and I can’t have it in my life.  In an ideal world, V would love me and move to Florida to be with me.  But this is reality, and I need to stop living in a fantasy world, convincing myself of feelings that just aren’t there. 

My mum told me that I am the center of my universe and I need to love myself more than I love any other person.  She instructed me to take all of the time and energy I put into my feelings for V, and put them into myself instead.  I deserve more than to have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way.  I am a wonderful person.  I need to focus on getting healthy, and the self-confidence and love for myself will come.  Until that comes, how can I expect to ever be in a healthy relationship? 

V is a good person, and he has it right.  He knows what he wants (his career) and he focuses on it.  All he ever did was try to be my friend, it was me that chose to read too much into every little thing he said or did.  I wish him all the best in everything he does.  I just need to move on from him now.  I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and happiness.  I need to focus on what I want, just like V has done.  And if being friends is not what I want, then I need to move on from him, no matter how difficult it may be.

Fairytale or Horror Flick?

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess, who lived in an enchanted kingdom.  The princess needed rescuing, so imagine her delight, when a knight in shining armor rescued her.  The knight turned out to be a prince, and her one true love.  So after they shared true love's first kiss, they married and lived happily ever after… the end.

That right there, is why girls grow up with a skewed view on how love and relationships should go.  Real life isn’t such a fairytale.  There is no such thing as 'happily ever after,' and even if you think you get your ‘happily ever after,’ it doesn't all end at ‘the end.’   Not for me at least.  My dating life is more of a horror flick than a fairytale story.  

You know in those horror movies, when the girl hears a noise in the basement.  Instead of going for help, she wanders slowly into the dark basement, wearing nothing more than a tank top and panties, and holding absolutely nothing in her hands.  She feels her way blindly through the dark shouting, “hello… who's there?”  All the while we’re watching, knowing exactly who’s there and we are shouting at the T.V, “what are you doing?  Don’t go in there!  For goodness sakes, pick up a knife or something girl!”

She’s completely vulnerable, in her lingerie with absolutely nothing to protect herself with, staring blindly in the dark… walking towards her inevitable death.

Well that’s me.  That’s my love story.  Though, I’m not so blind.  I know exactly what I’m walking towards.  I’m very aware of how vulnerable I am in my underwear with no weapon to protect me.  But I keep walking, because I’m ‘that’ girl.  The idiot in the horror movie, that likes to pretend she’s a princess in a fairytale.  

V is still around, still in my life, still waiting for me in the dark basement.  I know it can only end badly with him, and yet I keep going.  Just like the girl in the horror movie.  The problem is, I enjoy being around him so much, and talking to him, and even thinking about him.  I just can’t get enough of the man, and yet, I know he doesn’t feel the same.  Don’t get me wrong, I know he likes me.  In fact, I know he likes me more than he would care to admit.  He does care about me, as much as he might wish he didn’t.  But I know he doesn’t care about me as much as I would like him to.

Perhaps V is the monster in my fairytale, and my knight in shining armor will come and rescue me eventually.  But as twisted as this sounds, right now, I would rather be slaughtered by V in ‘our’ horror flick, than be rescued from V in someone else's fairytale.  Right now, V is the only one that I want, even if it does mean inevitable tragedy for me.

Next month, I will be moving to Florida.  Things are moving forward for me, and I couldn’t be happier.  Things will have to end, for good, with V.  As sad as that makes me, it really is for the best.  Perhaps a move to another State is exactly what I need.  Get me out of the basement, out of the same house.  Maybe then I will be safe.  Let’s just hope my demons don’t follow me, and my knight in shining armor knows where to find me.  Wish me luck… because I definitely need it. 

Real Strength

It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’.  Things ended for good last night.  He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok.  I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt.  The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie.  But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.

I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me.  I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man.  Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear.  I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway.  But it still hurt.  A lot.  Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid.  I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I don’t feel stupid anymore.  So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me.  It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me.  I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship.  I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing.  V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him.  Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?

It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived.  Crying does not make me weak.  If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me.  I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt.  But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was.  Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it.  I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him.  I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”

I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know I will feel that connection again.  I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship.  I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship.  I am kind, caring and supportive.  I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle. 

If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now.  But I refuse to settle.  I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less.  In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person.  Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk.  And tell me, where is the courage in that?  What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?

I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  Of course I do.  I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me.  He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there.  Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently.  But we didn’t, and our story ends here.  I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love.  I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love.  I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve.  And I won’t settle for less.  That’s real strength.