Be your own light

While I was cleaning out some old things, I found an old folded piece of paper dated June 2011.  Back then I didn’t write in a blog, but writing has always been a release for me and scribbling on the back of a travel insurance print out was not out of the question.  Though I wrote it only four years ago, it was like reading someone else’s life.  It made me sad, remembering how lost I once was.  But it also made me proud of the person I am today, and how far I’ve come.  I have shared with you before that I wasn’t always the positive person that I am today.  I am aware of how annoying my positive attitude can be to some people, and it seems like it just comes naturally to me.  But I wasn’t always this way; I really had to fight to be the positive person that I am.  I definitely had a tendency to get very depressed and lonely.  But I did get through it, and fight it, using my mother’s advice about faking positivity until it came naturally to me, which it now does.  I want to share with you the words that I expressed in 2011, only because I want to emphasize that we all get depressed and face dark times in our life, but we can all come through it if we fight hard enough to find the light.

Sitting here on this flight home, I can’t help but feel anxious and terrified.  Out in Spain it was so much easier to shut off from my life in Scotland, easier to numb myself from the pain, anxieties and stress of University, money and my love life.  Don’t get me wrong, there were of course times in Spain where my loneliness would creep into my psyche, there were even a couple of nights where I cried myself to sleep.  But nothing compared to the pain I felt before, the pain I expect to face when reality once again hits. 

I used to make excuses for why it was good to stay single, arguing that I was too busy with University, work, friends and family to add a boyfriend into the mix.  But my recent fleeting relationship with JB made me realize how wrong I was.  What I realized (or admitted to myself) was that a boyfriend can offer so much needed support by just listening and caring.  I also realized that the feeling of loneliness that I had was my most powerful feeling, above stress and anxiety.  Therefore just vanquishing that feeling of loneliness was enough to give me the strength to cope with the other stresses in my life. 

But here lies my problem once again I am boyfriend-less.  Before I dated JB I had convinced myself that I didn’t want a boyfriend and I certainly didn’t need one.  In fact, I had convinced myself that having a boyfriend would only make things worse.  I now know that this isn’t true, and my loneliness has only increased with this newfound knowledge.  Having had a taste of a relationship, however short it may have been, it makes it more difficult to go back to facing my life alone.

Ten minutes to landing now and I am all the more anxious.  I am terrified of falling into a sea of depression and drowning in my own abyss of self-pity.

All I can do is be aware of my feelings and do my best to prevent it.  Like my very wise mother always says, knowledge is power.  So I will prevent my depression by being knowledgeable of it, and of course, by staying positive.

Reading that was difficult for me, because I was reminded of the pain I used to feel on a regular basis.  It’s easy to forget how lost I once was in myself, and it’s hard to remember a version of myself that isn’t the one I am today.  I am a strong, independent woman, who of course gets lonely and has difficult times that she must work hard to get through.  But the person I am today never doubts herself and her ability to make it through, like the person I used to be once did.  I don’t need a man in my life to get me through life’s many struggles.  I have more stress in my life now than I ever had then, but I am more equipped to cope with those stresses through my positive attitude.  I am proud of how much I have grown, and how far I have come as a person. 

J and I are dating again, our break up lasted a total of three days.  He told me that he wanted to be with me, and he wanted to know what he should do in the future if I happen to fly off again (and let out my crazy).  I am happy that J and I are dating again; it’s going pretty well.  But I don’t NEED J to make me happy.  The only person I need is myself.  This is absolutely nothing to do with the person that J is, but everything to do with the person that I am.  I have come a long way from the girl I used to be.

I’m sharing this entry today for people who are still in their dark times.  I want people to know that they will make it through as long as they keep fighting and staying positive.  It’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel during dark times, but there is always one there, sometimes you just have to look harder to find it.  That light is you, and it can’t be anyone else.  You are the light that will guide you through your dark times.  Everyone else that you meet along the way are merely positive rays that can help your light shine brighter, but you are that original source of light.  And the good news is that only you can extinguish your light, no one else has that power; so don’t give it to them.  Be responsible for your own happiness!  Accept that loneliness is a part of life, and that you don’t need anyone to make you happy.  Take on each day with a fighting spirit, a smile and a positive attitude, and you will see your light grow brighter each day.  We all have the strength inside us, don’t be afraid to unleash yours.  Be your own light!