Taking responsibility for my happiness

For those of you that follow my blog and know who V is, you are about to get pretty frustrated with me.  Of course, I have been talking to him again.  Yes, this is the same V that I have written about quitting numerous times.  It seems he’s not quite as easy to quit, as I would have hoped.

In my last blog entry I wrote about taking my life back.  I wrote about getting healthy, mind and body.  I have been losing weight (slowly but surely), some days I struggle more than others to stay focused and motivated, but I’ve not gained and I’m still losing.  I didn’t talk to V for three weeks.  I stayed strong, and didn’t contact him, even though I really wanted to.  Until one night when I sent him a text, asking if he had missed me.  He responded telling me that he had, and he wanted us to talk again.  I told him we couldn’t talk again, nothing had changed, and I shouldn’t have text him.  He then told me how much he had missed talking to me and he had missed my laugh and my positive attitude.  He swore that he had learned his lesson and that things would be different this time.  No more being cruel for cruelness sake.  No more mean jokes or mind games.

We began talking again, and he really did keep his word.  He was sweet, kind, comforting and wonderful.  He would still make jokes, but that is his sense of humor, and he was no longer mean to me.  He would even ask to call me, and tell me he missed me or missed my voice.  He would talk to me for hours and then tell me that I had made him smile.  He still maintained that we were just friends.  But we txt all day every day, and called each other two or three times a day, whenever we could.  Talking to him made me so happy, I looked forward to hearing his voice, and I swooned knowing that he looked forward to hearing mine.

A week is all that this wonderfulness lasted for.  Of course I began building romantic ideas in my head once again.  Ideas of love and being together, and, one day even, ideas of marriage and children.  I was a fool in love all over again.  Telling myself that he MUST have feelings for me if he missed my voice and my laugh.  I mean, I love my friends, and I miss them, but I don’t miss the sound of their voice.  His is the only voice that I miss like that.  I deluded myself with thoughts of him realizing his love for me.  I duped myself into believing that we were in some sort of relationship, and would one day be together.  I did all this, in the full knowledge that we were “just friends”.  I believed that he really did have feelings for me, but was just afraid of them.

V asked me to call him after work last night.  I knew he needed to go to bed early for work the next day, so I rushed around getting my things done so that I could get out and call him.  When I txt him, he responded telling me he was with a friend, and was busy.  He didn’t txt me again after that.  Something in me snapped.  I convinced myself that he must be with another girl, which is why he couldn’t text.  It’s important to know that I am not the jealous type, I am very trusting of my partners, and I never worry about them cheating.  But with V it is different.  We are not in a relationship; he can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants.  So I snapped.  I was mad that he didn’t let me know that we wouldn’t be able to talk.  I was mad that he was (maybe) with someone else.  I was mad that he didn’t want to be with me.  I said some things I shouldn’t have, and I have not heard from him since.

I realized something today.  It doesn’t matter how nice or supportive V is to me.  His meanness was never the reason why he was bad for me.  I am the reason V is bad for me.  It is my one sided love for him which is why he is bad for me.  V was never the one responsible it was always me.  V was mean to me because I allowed it, when I put my foot down and refused to accept that kind of behavior from him anymore, the behavior stopped.  V was never the problem it was always me.  V might have feelings for me and be confused, or he might genuinely not have any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.  None of that matters at all.  What matters is that he does not reciprocate the feelings I have for him, and therefor I must move on.  Being friends doesn’t work.  I can’t handle it; I get hurt, angry and jealous.  V is toxic to me, because of how I feel about him, not because of how he feels about me. 

It would be lovely if one day I could be V’s friend.  But I can’t right now.  I can’t burry my feelings, and it’s too hard for me to talk to him.  When he tells me he misses my voice, or me or compliments me in any way, I read too much into it and convince myself that he has feelings for me too.  That is toxic thinking, and I can’t have it in my life.  In an ideal world, V would love me and move to Florida to be with me.  But this is reality, and I need to stop living in a fantasy world, convincing myself of feelings that just aren’t there. 

My mum told me that I am the center of my universe and I need to love myself more than I love any other person.  She instructed me to take all of the time and energy I put into my feelings for V, and put them into myself instead.  I deserve more than to have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way.  I am a wonderful person.  I need to focus on getting healthy, and the self-confidence and love for myself will come.  Until that comes, how can I expect to ever be in a healthy relationship? 

V is a good person, and he has it right.  He knows what he wants (his career) and he focuses on it.  All he ever did was try to be my friend, it was me that chose to read too much into every little thing he said or did.  I wish him all the best in everything he does.  I just need to move on from him now.  I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and happiness.  I need to focus on what I want, just like V has done.  And if being friends is not what I want, then I need to move on from him, no matter how difficult it may be.

Taking my life back!

I’ve talked before about how important it is to me to stay positive through everything that happens in my life.  I always see the glass as half full, and I am blessed as a result of that.  Recently my health has taken a bad turn, though I refuse to let it defeat me.  This episode has scared me into gaining control, and getting healthy.  I am taking my life back.  One day at a time, and I won’t be stopped.

I have been mistreating myself for some time now.  I have an unhealthy body and an unhealthy mind.  I don’t eat the right foods, or exercise and I am 80 lbs. over weight.  I allow worry and stress to effect me in an unhealthy way, and I allow people to effect me more than they should.  I have been abusing my body and my mind, and allowing myself to fall deeper into an unhealthy state of being.  I am thankful that my health was impacted in the way that it was, my body physically couldn’t take the abuse any longer.  I am thankful because it has given me the motivation and determination that I needed to take back my life.

I believe that the people that come into our lives don’t do so by accident.  We meet people when we need to, and they impact our lives positively or negatively for a reason that we aren’t always privy to right away.  I recently met a woman who sells the Herbalife shakes, and runs many fitness activities.  She is also a health coach, and she does this free of charge.  I met with her on the same day that I met with my doctor and learned what was going on with my body.  I began my Herbal Life shakes that night.  Only a few days on, I am already feeling the health benefits, as well as the incredible support from this wonderful woman.

This is the first time in my life, that I have been motivated to lose weight for health reasons.  That sounds crazy, but health was never really a motivational factor for me in the past.  I wanted to be thin.  However, after a few weeks of any diet, I would lose the motivation, because I had never really believed that I would ever lose the weight.  It’s different this time.  Yes, I want to feel good in my own skin, and feel attractive.  But more than that I want to be healthy.  This is the strongest motivation I have ever felt.  Which is why I am certain that I can do this.  I know I can achieve my goals and take my life back. 

I am also making changes in my life to improve my mental health.  V and I have been talking every day since my move to Florida.  He has provided me with a great deal of support in this vast transition in my life.  I am here alone, with no friends or family, and it has been very lonely.  V has helped me get through the days by talking with me on the phone.  He let me talk about my day, complain about what went wrong and boast about what went right.  He provided an outlet, in which I deeply needed.  I was going through some things with my family, and V allowed me to cry and talk with him on the phone.  He supported me in so many ways.  However, if you remember my previous entries about V, you’ll know, he isn’t always so reliable. 

V has the ability to be a wonderful friend, to listen and to support me when I need him the most.  However, he also has the ability to be very cruel, hurtful and unnecessarily mean.  The drastic-ness in his change of moods was exhausting, and I never knew how he would be with me from one moment to the next.  He was hot and cold and there was never any in-between.  He would have me smiling hard from ear to ear, or crying in my pillow.  I knew that I allowed him to treat me badly, but I felt like I needed him in my life.  I would never allow a friend to treat me the way V did, but I put up with it from him because of my feelings for him.  Life with him in it, no matter how damaging it was to me, was better than life without.

That same day that I met with the Doctor and my new wonderful fitness coach was the same day that I said goodbye to V.  I deserve to be treated amazingly by every person in my life, whether it is a family member, friend or a partner.  I shouldn’t settle for less in any of my relationships.  I am a wonderful, loving and loyal person, and I deserve the same in return.  Saying goodbye to V was hard, and I miss him very much.  It’s lonely without him.  But I am stronger than I give myself credit for, I can survive loneliness.  I don’t need him!  I am taking my life back, and in the long run, I will be better for it.

I have a long way to go before I am healthy.  But I am already feeling happier in myself, knowing that I will achieve my goals.  I am feeling the health benefits already, and it hasn’t been a week yet.  It won’t be long before I am feeling better in myself, and feeling stronger on my own.  I can do this.  I am positive I can.  I will take my life back because it is mine, and I deserve it to be the best it can be. 

This is my life, and I’m taking it back!

Fairytale or Horror Flick?

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess, who lived in an enchanted kingdom.  The princess needed rescuing, so imagine her delight, when a knight in shining armor rescued her.  The knight turned out to be a prince, and her one true love.  So after they shared true love's first kiss, they married and lived happily ever after… the end.

That right there, is why girls grow up with a skewed view on how love and relationships should go.  Real life isn’t such a fairytale.  There is no such thing as 'happily ever after,' and even if you think you get your ‘happily ever after,’ it doesn't all end at ‘the end.’   Not for me at least.  My dating life is more of a horror flick than a fairytale story.  

You know in those horror movies, when the girl hears a noise in the basement.  Instead of going for help, she wanders slowly into the dark basement, wearing nothing more than a tank top and panties, and holding absolutely nothing in her hands.  She feels her way blindly through the dark shouting, “hello… who's there?”  All the while we’re watching, knowing exactly who’s there and we are shouting at the T.V, “what are you doing?  Don’t go in there!  For goodness sakes, pick up a knife or something girl!”

She’s completely vulnerable, in her lingerie with absolutely nothing to protect herself with, staring blindly in the dark… walking towards her inevitable death.

Well that’s me.  That’s my love story.  Though, I’m not so blind.  I know exactly what I’m walking towards.  I’m very aware of how vulnerable I am in my underwear with no weapon to protect me.  But I keep walking, because I’m ‘that’ girl.  The idiot in the horror movie, that likes to pretend she’s a princess in a fairytale.  

V is still around, still in my life, still waiting for me in the dark basement.  I know it can only end badly with him, and yet I keep going.  Just like the girl in the horror movie.  The problem is, I enjoy being around him so much, and talking to him, and even thinking about him.  I just can’t get enough of the man, and yet, I know he doesn’t feel the same.  Don’t get me wrong, I know he likes me.  In fact, I know he likes me more than he would care to admit.  He does care about me, as much as he might wish he didn’t.  But I know he doesn’t care about me as much as I would like him to.

Perhaps V is the monster in my fairytale, and my knight in shining armor will come and rescue me eventually.  But as twisted as this sounds, right now, I would rather be slaughtered by V in ‘our’ horror flick, than be rescued from V in someone else's fairytale.  Right now, V is the only one that I want, even if it does mean inevitable tragedy for me.

Next month, I will be moving to Florida.  Things are moving forward for me, and I couldn’t be happier.  Things will have to end, for good, with V.  As sad as that makes me, it really is for the best.  Perhaps a move to another State is exactly what I need.  Get me out of the basement, out of the same house.  Maybe then I will be safe.  Let’s just hope my demons don’t follow me, and my knight in shining armor knows where to find me.  Wish me luck… because I definitely need it. 

Type A

“What’s your type?”

“Oh, I go for funny guys.  I like to be able to laugh with a guy.  I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say.  He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic.  And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”

So this is a typical response that I give to that question.  It’s a lie.  Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type?  I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement.  But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me.  I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone.  I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s simple.  It’s because they’re not A**holes! 

Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it.  I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole!  I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys.  But it’s deeper than that for me.  Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat.  I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”

But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees.  “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”

Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right.  It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart.  Isn’t that exciting?  No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is.  That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone.  There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way.  But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry.  Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks. 

So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys.  But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction.  And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers.  The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say. 

I’m taking baby steps.  For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with.  You may remember ‘V’?  We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself.  So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself.  I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys.  In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away.  If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it.  It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working.  I can’t fake attraction, remember?  I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.

I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy.  She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner.  However, I know I can’t be alone in this.  There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?”  Well now you have your answer ladies.  You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man.  I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves.  We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys.  You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you.  Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind.  Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.

Follow me ladies.  No more ‘nice guys finish last!’  Time to end this cycle once and for all.

Real Strength

It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’.  Things ended for good last night.  He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok.  I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt.  The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie.  But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.

I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me.  I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man.  Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear.  I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway.  But it still hurt.  A lot.  Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid.  I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I don’t feel stupid anymore.  So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me.  It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me.  I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship.  I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing.  V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him.  Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?

It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived.  Crying does not make me weak.  If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me.  I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt.  But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was.  Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it.  I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him.  I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”

I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know I will feel that connection again.  I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship.  I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship.  I am kind, caring and supportive.  I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle. 

If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now.  But I refuse to settle.  I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less.  In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person.  Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk.  And tell me, where is the courage in that?  What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?

I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  Of course I do.  I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me.  He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there.  Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently.  But we didn’t, and our story ends here.  I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love.  I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love.  I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve.  And I won’t settle for less.  That’s real strength.

Connections

 We have talked before about relationships and the connections that we make with other people.  I’d like to talk about the connections we can make particularly with our partners.  There are two main ways in which two people in a partnership can connect; these are physically and emotionally.  Some people are lucky enough to find a partner that they connect with both physically and emotionally, however not everyone is so lucky.

Let’s first talk about what it means to connect with someone physically.
We could also call this the sexual connection.  This is the connection that two people make when they are sexually compatible.  There is a deep intimate connection, and they both have the same wants and desires in this aspect of their relationship.  It is a beautiful, harmonious union that leaves both partners satisfied and fulfilled.

An Emotional connection is very different.
This is where two people connect on an emotional and spiritual level.  They understand one another’s hopes and desires, and perhaps share many of these.  They converse on a deeper level, connecting spiritually in their discussions.  They enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level.  They play, share and love whole heartedly.  This is the connection that people tend to desire in their ‘other half’.  It is the connection that often causes people to fall in love.

I believe that both of these connections are equally important in order for a relationship to work, and stand the test of time.  Many people would disagree and would argue that the emotional connection is by far the most important.  And perhaps they are right, but for me, I desperately want both.

I believe I have been in relationships wherein we shared an emotional connection and lacked a physical connection.  I also know I have been in relationships where my partner and I shared an intense physical connection; however there was a definite lack in any emotional connection.  There are both positives and negatives in both types of relationship, in which I will not delve into in any detail.  I do not regret any of these relationships, because I have learned from them all, and they have made me who I am today.

Perhaps I am aiming too high, but I truly believe with all of my heart that I deserve a relationship that is rich in love and happiness, and where we connect both emotionally and physically.  I am an extremely passionate person, and I hope to find a partner with as much passion to offer as I have.  I want him to be passionate about life, happiness and our relationship, passionate both physically and emotionally. 

I believe that in order to find this, two people must first connect emotionally before they can connect physically.  Not always of course, like I said, I had relationships where we had a physical connection without the emotional connection.  But in most cases, if you begin with the physical connection, it is more difficult to establish an emotional connection (particularly for men).

Finding the emotional connection first does make it difficult to ensure that there will be a physical connection there, because once that emotional connection is established, it is difficult to walk away.  However, I believe there are ways to recognize a potential physical connection with a partner.  It is something you can feel in the chemistry.  Something you can feel in the kiss, in his touch and how he looks at you.

I admit it may be very difficult to find both, and perhaps I never will. But it is what I desire in my future partner.  I am still learning from my relationships, dating again is relatively new to me.  I have been on four dates with V over a period of three weeks.  He calls me most nights and we text every day.  He lives almost two hours from me, so it makes things very difficult.  But I feel like we have the potential to have a harmonious physical connection, and at the moment we are getting to know each other and learning if there is an emotional connection there. 

V has never had an emotional connection with someone, all of his relationships have been based on physical connections, and the concept of waiting seems to be a relatively new one for him.  It makes dating him even more of an emotional risk, but I feel like there could be something there with him.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I am going for it, because at the end of the day, it is all a learning experience if it doesn’t go well.  I live with no regrets to the best of my ability, and most regrets that people have are for the things that they don’t do.  So I won’t let my fear of getting hurt, keep me from exploring the possibilities of love and happiness.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Perhaps I am wrong about V being my potential ‘big’, but how will I know if I don’t take the risk?  If there’s no emotional connection there, I will move on, and I will be wiser having had this experience.  I will find a partner to share an emotional and physical connection with and we will have a passionate love.

Wish me luck with this one!

Quick Update

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote.  But I no longer have a school computer, being that it’s the summer, and unfortunately I don’t have a computer of my own. 

I am single once again, L and I dated for about a month, and then I ended it.  I joined a dating site and started dating again a few weeks after we broke up.  I am currently dating one guy in particular, but I am not so sure about how things will go with him.  I do like him a lot, but sometimes these things are out of our control. 

That is what is going on with me at the moment.  I hope to write soon, hopefully get some access to a computer.