Fairytale or Horror Flick?

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess, who lived in an enchanted kingdom.  The princess needed rescuing, so imagine her delight, when a knight in shining armor rescued her.  The knight turned out to be a prince, and her one true love.  So after they shared true love's first kiss, they married and lived happily ever after… the end.

That right there, is why girls grow up with a skewed view on how love and relationships should go.  Real life isn’t such a fairytale.  There is no such thing as 'happily ever after,' and even if you think you get your ‘happily ever after,’ it doesn't all end at ‘the end.’   Not for me at least.  My dating life is more of a horror flick than a fairytale story.  

You know in those horror movies, when the girl hears a noise in the basement.  Instead of going for help, she wanders slowly into the dark basement, wearing nothing more than a tank top and panties, and holding absolutely nothing in her hands.  She feels her way blindly through the dark shouting, “hello… who's there?”  All the while we’re watching, knowing exactly who’s there and we are shouting at the T.V, “what are you doing?  Don’t go in there!  For goodness sakes, pick up a knife or something girl!”

She’s completely vulnerable, in her lingerie with absolutely nothing to protect herself with, staring blindly in the dark… walking towards her inevitable death.

Well that’s me.  That’s my love story.  Though, I’m not so blind.  I know exactly what I’m walking towards.  I’m very aware of how vulnerable I am in my underwear with no weapon to protect me.  But I keep walking, because I’m ‘that’ girl.  The idiot in the horror movie, that likes to pretend she’s a princess in a fairytale.  

V is still around, still in my life, still waiting for me in the dark basement.  I know it can only end badly with him, and yet I keep going.  Just like the girl in the horror movie.  The problem is, I enjoy being around him so much, and talking to him, and even thinking about him.  I just can’t get enough of the man, and yet, I know he doesn’t feel the same.  Don’t get me wrong, I know he likes me.  In fact, I know he likes me more than he would care to admit.  He does care about me, as much as he might wish he didn’t.  But I know he doesn’t care about me as much as I would like him to.

Perhaps V is the monster in my fairytale, and my knight in shining armor will come and rescue me eventually.  But as twisted as this sounds, right now, I would rather be slaughtered by V in ‘our’ horror flick, than be rescued from V in someone else's fairytale.  Right now, V is the only one that I want, even if it does mean inevitable tragedy for me.

Next month, I will be moving to Florida.  Things are moving forward for me, and I couldn’t be happier.  Things will have to end, for good, with V.  As sad as that makes me, it really is for the best.  Perhaps a move to another State is exactly what I need.  Get me out of the basement, out of the same house.  Maybe then I will be safe.  Let’s just hope my demons don’t follow me, and my knight in shining armor knows where to find me.  Wish me luck… because I definitely need it. 

Type A

“What’s your type?”

“Oh, I go for funny guys.  I like to be able to laugh with a guy.  I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say.  He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic.  And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”

So this is a typical response that I give to that question.  It’s a lie.  Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type?  I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement.  But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me.  I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone.  I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s simple.  It’s because they’re not A**holes! 

Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it.  I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole!  I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys.  But it’s deeper than that for me.  Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat.  I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”

But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees.  “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”

Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right.  It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart.  Isn’t that exciting?  No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is.  That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone.  There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way.  But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry.  Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks. 

So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys.  But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction.  And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers.  The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say. 

I’m taking baby steps.  For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with.  You may remember ‘V’?  We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself.  So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself.  I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys.  In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away.  If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it.  It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working.  I can’t fake attraction, remember?  I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.

I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy.  She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner.  However, I know I can’t be alone in this.  There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?”  Well now you have your answer ladies.  You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man.  I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves.  We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys.  You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you.  Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind.  Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.

Follow me ladies.  No more ‘nice guys finish last!’  Time to end this cycle once and for all.

Real Strength

It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’.  Things ended for good last night.  He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok.  I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt.  The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie.  But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.

I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me.  I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man.  Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear.  I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway.  But it still hurt.  A lot.  Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid.  I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I don’t feel stupid anymore.  So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me.  It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me.  I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship.  I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing.  V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him.  Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?

It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived.  Crying does not make me weak.  If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me.  I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt.  But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was.  Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it.  I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him.  I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”

I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know I will feel that connection again.  I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship.  I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship.  I am kind, caring and supportive.  I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle. 

If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now.  But I refuse to settle.  I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less.  In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person.  Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk.  And tell me, where is the courage in that?  What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?

I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  Of course I do.  I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me.  He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there.  Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently.  But we didn’t, and our story ends here.  I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love.  I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love.  I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve.  And I won’t settle for less.  That’s real strength.

Connections

 We have talked before about relationships and the connections that we make with other people.  I’d like to talk about the connections we can make particularly with our partners.  There are two main ways in which two people in a partnership can connect; these are physically and emotionally.  Some people are lucky enough to find a partner that they connect with both physically and emotionally, however not everyone is so lucky.

Let’s first talk about what it means to connect with someone physically.
We could also call this the sexual connection.  This is the connection that two people make when they are sexually compatible.  There is a deep intimate connection, and they both have the same wants and desires in this aspect of their relationship.  It is a beautiful, harmonious union that leaves both partners satisfied and fulfilled.

An Emotional connection is very different.
This is where two people connect on an emotional and spiritual level.  They understand one another’s hopes and desires, and perhaps share many of these.  They converse on a deeper level, connecting spiritually in their discussions.  They enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level.  They play, share and love whole heartedly.  This is the connection that people tend to desire in their ‘other half’.  It is the connection that often causes people to fall in love.

I believe that both of these connections are equally important in order for a relationship to work, and stand the test of time.  Many people would disagree and would argue that the emotional connection is by far the most important.  And perhaps they are right, but for me, I desperately want both.

I believe I have been in relationships wherein we shared an emotional connection and lacked a physical connection.  I also know I have been in relationships where my partner and I shared an intense physical connection; however there was a definite lack in any emotional connection.  There are both positives and negatives in both types of relationship, in which I will not delve into in any detail.  I do not regret any of these relationships, because I have learned from them all, and they have made me who I am today.

Perhaps I am aiming too high, but I truly believe with all of my heart that I deserve a relationship that is rich in love and happiness, and where we connect both emotionally and physically.  I am an extremely passionate person, and I hope to find a partner with as much passion to offer as I have.  I want him to be passionate about life, happiness and our relationship, passionate both physically and emotionally. 

I believe that in order to find this, two people must first connect emotionally before they can connect physically.  Not always of course, like I said, I had relationships where we had a physical connection without the emotional connection.  But in most cases, if you begin with the physical connection, it is more difficult to establish an emotional connection (particularly for men).

Finding the emotional connection first does make it difficult to ensure that there will be a physical connection there, because once that emotional connection is established, it is difficult to walk away.  However, I believe there are ways to recognize a potential physical connection with a partner.  It is something you can feel in the chemistry.  Something you can feel in the kiss, in his touch and how he looks at you.

I admit it may be very difficult to find both, and perhaps I never will. But it is what I desire in my future partner.  I am still learning from my relationships, dating again is relatively new to me.  I have been on four dates with V over a period of three weeks.  He calls me most nights and we text every day.  He lives almost two hours from me, so it makes things very difficult.  But I feel like we have the potential to have a harmonious physical connection, and at the moment we are getting to know each other and learning if there is an emotional connection there. 

V has never had an emotional connection with someone, all of his relationships have been based on physical connections, and the concept of waiting seems to be a relatively new one for him.  It makes dating him even more of an emotional risk, but I feel like there could be something there with him.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I am going for it, because at the end of the day, it is all a learning experience if it doesn’t go well.  I live with no regrets to the best of my ability, and most regrets that people have are for the things that they don’t do.  So I won’t let my fear of getting hurt, keep me from exploring the possibilities of love and happiness.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Perhaps I am wrong about V being my potential ‘big’, but how will I know if I don’t take the risk?  If there’s no emotional connection there, I will move on, and I will be wiser having had this experience.  I will find a partner to share an emotional and physical connection with and we will have a passionate love.

Wish me luck with this one!

Quick Update

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote.  But I no longer have a school computer, being that it’s the summer, and unfortunately I don’t have a computer of my own. 

I am single once again, L and I dated for about a month, and then I ended it.  I joined a dating site and started dating again a few weeks after we broke up.  I am currently dating one guy in particular, but I am not so sure about how things will go with him.  I do like him a lot, but sometimes these things are out of our control. 

That is what is going on with me at the moment.  I hope to write soon, hopefully get some access to a computer.  

Happy Birthday Kayla

Tomorrow my baby sister is turning 12 years old.  I can't believe how fast she is growing.  It's too fast!  I wish we could just freeze time.  I thought I would share a little piece of writing I wrote about six years ago.  I thought of fixing parts that I think could be better... But I decided to leave it exactly how I wrote it six years ago.  So here is a piece about the day Kayla was born, and the first time I seen her!

I love you so much baby sis!  Happy Birthday!!! :)

........................................………

The tears streamed from my eyes, blurring my vision. Holding her in my arms I could feel the gentle ‘thump, thump’ of her heart against my chest. I noticed my own racing heart and more tears flooding my already glistening face. Looking at her beautiful face, I felt an instant surge of love. I didn’t know it was possible to feel love so quickly for someone… but I had loved this baby girl before I had stepped foot into the room. I made a promise to myself, that minute, that I would always love and protect this baby girl. My baby sister…

Wednesday the 12th of June I received a phone call from my Step-Dad while I was at a friends house, “Your mum is in labour!”

I grabbed my sister, barely saying goodbye to our friends, and we ran all the way home. My Step-Dad drove my Mum to the hospital, leaving my younger sister, Christina, and I at home with our Gran. The minute we got in the door, Christina and I set to work making banners; “Welcome home Mummy and the new Baby,” “Congratulations,” “It’s a Girl,” and “It’s a Boy.” Along with some others. It was a great way to pass a few hours. However once we had finished, what were we to do then? I couldn’t even think about sitting still. I was so eager, so exited, so happy… but then so nervous, so worried, so anxious. So many emotions invaded my once calm body. When I thought of my mum in labour, or a new baby brother or sister I felt like I was going to explode with emotion. I had to stop thinking about it if I wanted time to pass. But it was all I could think about. Two hundred minutes to each hour, time was passing so slowly.

Finally, the phone rang at around midnight, “It’s a girl!”

Happiness soared through me. I have another sister! A baby sister… she’s here, and she’s healthy. I was also shocked because it was a baby girl, we had guessed that it was a baby boy. We had the name picked out for a boy, baby Cameron, but no girls name picked yet. We threw the “It’s a boy” banner into the bin and hung up the “It’s a Girl” banner.

In bed I lay staring into the darkness trying to force myself to sleep. I remembered nine months before, the day my Mum told my sister and I that she was pregnant. How scared she had been to tell us, and how shocked she was when we were happy. The past nine months had been brilliant. Watching my mums bump getting bigger and bigger, feeling her belly when the baby was kicking, helping my mum to put on her shoes… it was all wonderful. But I knew that it would be the next moments that would be the most memorable ones. She was here now!

When I awoke on Thursday morning I quickly threw my clothes on and then raced down the stairs, stumbling most of the way. I sat down for breakfast, barely able to keep still, my Gran had made a deliciously, mouth-watering fry-up. Scoffing down a variety of my favourite breakfast foods, I could barely taste them, unable to identify between a piece of bacon and a potato scone, it was clear that my mind was already in that hospital room, with my life giving mother and my new baby sister. Once we had eaten my Step-Dad drove the three of us to the hospital to see my mum and my new baby sister.

Walking down the corridor of the maternity ward every room was potentially my mum's room, so the butterflies continued for the whole walk (which seemed to go on forever). I remember trying to identify the scent that was lingering in the air… it seemed a different smell from any other time I had visited the hospital. It wasn’t the usual stench stinging my nose, but instead an appealing aroma that tickled my nostrils, enhancing my butterflies. My mum's room was sitting on it’s own at the end of the corridor. As I walked into the room, I looked at my mum. She looked so tired. Her mousy blond hair sat loose from the hair band that had struggled to hold it in place, her rosy red cheeks glistened where the sweat had once been, her green eyes sparkled where the tears had gathered, and her smile, the biggest, brightest, most beautiful smile I had ever seen her wear, was pasted across her face. She didn’t stop smiling that whole visit, even when Christina and I fought over who got to hold our new baby sister first.

“Her name’s Kayla,” my mum whispered as I was holding her in my arms.

Her little heart thump, thump, thumping against my chest, out of sink to my own heart beat. I just stared at her face… taking her in…My baby sister… baby Kayla.

Now, over six years later, I still vividly remember that wonderful day when I was first introduced to that baby girl. I still have more love for Kayla than I ever thought possible. I think back to the promise that I made myself the day Kayla was born, and I wonder if I have truly stuck to it. Have I protected Kayla? Have I been there for her? And the answer is, I have done my best… but although I do what I can to protect my baby sister, I feel that it is Kayla who protects me. Any time that I am feeling down or stressed, I just need to be around Kayla and I am reminded that everything else is meaningless. I have Kayla. I have everything I need. I have a wonderful, loving family and a baby sister who sees everything through innocent eyes. Kayla shows me everyday that she loves me, and I show her everyday that I love her, with our constant hugs and kisses. Kayla is a bubbly, silly, wonderfully funny little girl and I couldn’t imagine going through life without her. She is my world.

The Dating Game

I have a boyfriend again for the first time in about six years.  It seems over the years I have forgotten the rules, and I need a refresher course in how to play, 'The Dating Game'.  The Dating Game is the most complicated of all of life's games, and there is rarely ever a winner. Unless... You play one of the rare games that reveals everyone as a winner.  Those however, are a lucky few.  Unlimitedly, in most battles of The Dating Game, there is a definite loser (or losers in most cases).  That is not to say that it isn't the most fun, exciting, thrilling and rewarding game of life.  The benefits to the game, if you manage to find a worthy opponent, make it worth the risk.  And it is a risk.  Never before has there been a game that has had more risk involved in it.  It's a gamble, and you're putting your heart on the table... But if you don't go all in, then you won't reap the possible benefits.  You have to make a choice.  If you're going to play, you have to play with everything you've got.  You have to take a leap, make a gamble and risk it all.

But never forget, it is a game, and in a game you have to play to win.  You must be tactical and plan your moves delicately.  That heart can be tricky, and can sometimes get in the way of your game strategies.  Be smart.  Don't let it get in the way.  This is where I've been having trouble.

There are certain rules in The Dating Game that we must follow.  Especially women!  We have a hard time with that pesky heart getting in the way.  Those damn emotions have a tendency to cloud our judgement and sabotage our best plays.  The Dating Game is extra complicated for us.  Sometimes we can feel like we are winning and then boom, three hours go by without hearing from him, you lose your cool and send him ten messages.  Game over.  You've lost.  The outcome: you're single again.  Time to look for a new opponent.  Better luck next time.

So let's go over some of these rules.

Rule number one: A player can not always be the first to text.  A player must wait for the opponent to text first, before responding in a very cool and nonchalant manner.

Now this is probably my least favorite rule! Why can't I text him as soon as I wake up just to say, "good morning, I had a dream about you last night!"  Apparently it could be viewed as slightly creepy with a touch of needy.  It is important for him to believe that I have so many other important things on my mind, and he's the very last thing I think of when I first wake up.

Rule number two:  A player can not always be the one to suggest plans.  She must wait for the opponent to suggest their next meet, and they can not always respond 'yes' to all invitations extended.

Once again, I think we are trying to avoid displaying our neediness.  He does not need to know that you are so desperate to see him that you would happily see him every day, canceling all plans that stand in your way.  That does not portray a cool, independent woman, it gives the impression of something quite different.

Rule number three:  A player must appear to be flawless at all times.  This will weaken your opponent and ensure that you hold his interest.

Ok ladies, I'm not saying don't be yourself... But yeah, don't be yourself.  Not yet.  He must not know that you shave your big toe or tweeze your chin hair.  He can never really know how long it takes you to get ready.  Your beauty must appear to be effortless, with minimal preparation time before seeing him.  And above all, for goodness sake, he can never know how masculine you really are.  You must be a prim and proper lady. So hold the dirty jokes and don't show your gratitude for a fine meal with a belch that would put one of his to shame.

Rule number four:  A player must do her best to hide 'the crazy' from her opponent.  This includes jealousy, PMS, irrational fears, anxiety, obsessions, irrational emotions, anger... Etc.

All women have many levels of crazy.  Some women have more levels than others, but we all have it.  I'd like to think of myself as having a lower level of crazy.  But then ex boyfriends and family members might disagree.  For the most part though, I think I'm pretty low maintenance.  But even the lowest maintenance females have a difficult time hiding their crazy.  Whether it be their need to hold the remote, or their OCD in certain aspects, or even just their insecurities.  It all falls under one category to our opponents; crazy.  So hide it as best as you can.  Some of it is bound to slip out.  Hopefully you're lucky enough to have an opponent that thinks it's cute.  Just try your best to conceal the higher levels of your crazy as much as possible.

Rule number five:  Never, ever, ever under any circumstances, EVER can a player be the first to say 'I love you'.  The opposition must always be the first to say it.

Did you hear that?  Even if you feel it with every fiber of your being.  Even if you feel yourself mouthing it when you cuddle. Or you feel the need to scream and shout it from the roof tops.  Don't!  I don't care what the "Love" books say.  Under no condition can you ever say those infamous three words first.  It is, in most cases, a death sentence, straight to 'game over'.  So contain yourself, control it, do what you must to keep it bottled up.  You might be able to come back from breaking the other rules once or twice.  But there's no coming back from breaking this rule.  Ever.

So those are the rules of The Dating Game.  Do with them what you will.  In the end, if you're lucky, after a while of playing The Dating Game, your opponent could very well become your team mate.  When this happens, you know you've found a love that will last.  Together you can win the game and do so by breaking as many rules as you'd like.  Once you're on the same team, there's no longer an opposition to worry about.  You can feel safe, knowing the gamble with your heart isn't as severe as it once was.

For now, I am going to do my best to follow the rules.  I must admit, I have broken rules 1-4 from time to time.  But in my defense, I am extremely rusty because it has been so long since I have played The Dating Game.  And in all honestly, I was never very good at it.  But practice makes perfect.  I'm not out of the game yet.  Hopefully this one lasts a while, and you never know, maybe there will be no losers in this one.  I've not really thought that far ahead to be honest, because I'm just enjoying the moment.  He's funny and playful, and I think he's exactly what I need right now.  It's definitely not love yet, so I don't need to worry about rule number five just now.  He makes me happy (so far).  And my crazy hasn't scared him off (yet).

I've taken a leap, I'm risking it all and it's exciting.  Wish me luck!  Game on!

Do Something About It

In life you will meet two types of people.  There is the type of person that good things happen to.  And there is the type that bad things happen to.  The truth is good and bad things happen to everyone.  It is life.  There is no getting around it.  But it is how you choose to let these things effect your life that defines what group we are categorized into.  Do you choose to focus and dwell on the negative?  Or do you choose to focus on and reach for the positive? 

If I poured you a lovely glass of sweet red wine and I only filled it half way (which would only ever happen if the bottle was finished).  Would you say that the glass was half full, or half empty?  Wine is a bad example; I’ve lost my train of thought.  I’ll be right back once I fill up the rest of my half full glass of wine… ok better.

I’d like to think of myself as a “half full” type of person.  I think I am a pretty positive person.  I strive to be positive in everything I do.  Things tend to work out for me, and when they don’t I believe that they weren’t supposed to.  So I try not to dwell on them. 

I wasn’t always this way you know.  I had to train myself to be this way.  It took me a long time, but eventually positive thinking became very natural to me.  I used to be a dweller.  I’d focus so intently on the negative in my life, that sadly, I’m ashamed to admit; I missed a lot of the positive.  Bad things just kept happening to me. 

“Why me?”  I would ask myself over and over.  Until one day my wise mother told me exactly why.  It was my negative attitude.  (It was also a series of poor choices causing the bad things to happen, but that is a story for another day.)  I realized (with a not so gentle nudge in the right direction from my mother) that I had to make a change in the way I viewed my life.  My mum advised me to first fake positivity, and make a conscious effort to be positive… and then eventually it would come naturally to me.  Turns out she was right, after years of forcing myself to think positively, one day I realized, I wasn’t trying any more.  It was how I thought naturally. 

Things began working out for me.  Or did they?  I really don’t know, because when they didn’t work out, I was positive about that too.  Telling myself that it wasn’t supposed to work out.  Then later when something good would happen, I would remind myself of the “bad” thing that happened before and I would think, “see, if that hadn’t happened, then this wouldn’t be happening now!”  Always-positive thoughts.

Now and then negative thoughts will creep in.  I am human after all, and things aren’t exactly gumdrops and rainbows for me all the time.  It is normal to feel sad or down from time to time.  It’s just important to not let those feelings destroy me, like they used to.  I deal with them (maybe have a wee cry) and move on.  I try to solve my problems and work through them with a positive attitude.  If something is broken.  FIX IT!!  Stop complaining and…  Do something about it! 

Last week I spoke about a few of my “demons”.  I shared how miserable I had been about my phone.   Using it made me mad.  Looking at it would get me down and remind me that I had worked hard at university, and I am still broke and struggling and perhaps going no where in this career (lots of problems with translating my degree, etcetera).  I did something about it!  I bought an iPhone.  Yes it hurt me a little financially.  But no amount of money is worth me being so miserable.  I will make sacrifices for it.  I love my new phone!  So happy!  I feel like I earned it.  I feel like my years of hard work were worth it.  That feeling, my friends; is priceless.

I also spoke about my lack of motivation with the gym.  I complained that my new tutoring job had taken away from my workout two days a week.  Did I give up and dwell on the negative?  NO!  I did something about it!  I now get up very (very) early on those two days, and work out in the morning before I go to work.  Doing that has given me the motivation I had lost.  And I am feeling positive about my weight loss goals.  (Because there is no other possible way to feel!)

I’m here in America without my Mum, without my sisters and without my step dad and puppy.  I could focus and dwell on the fact that I am without them.  I could let my loneliness eat at me, and allow my missing them to consume me.  But I don’t.  That would be focusing on the negative.  Instead, I focus on the things I love about being here.  I take comfort in and I am thankful that I have loved ones TO MISS.  It means that I have love.  For that I am so lucky!  I am thankful for instant messaging and Skype, so that I can speak to them as often as I need to.  Yes, I need them here.  I can’t imagine living without them for much longer.  But I am positive it will all be worth it in the end.  They will be here, and we will all be together.  Everything will work out!  It has to!  There is no doubt in my mind that it will.  None whatsoever, and I say that with absolute certainty!  Positive thinking is a powerful thing!

What type of person are you?  Is your glass half full?  Or do you focus on the negatives in your life.  If you are a positive thinker then I commend you.  I know it is not always easy to stay positive through everything.

If you are a negative thinker and you just can’t understand why bad things keep happening to you.  Then do me a favor and try to think positive.  Take my mum’s advise, do what I did and watch your life change.  Witness your own emotional growth in happiness.  Experience life in the upward stream and enjoy life once again.  Trust me, your happiness is up to you.  You control your own life.  If things aren’t going your way…

            DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I'd like to dedicate this blog entry to my wonderful mum, without whom I would not be the positive, strong and (somewhat) independent person I am today.  Thank you for every bit of advise you've ever given me.  I don't know what I would do without you, and I love you so much!  I miss you every day, and I'm counting down the days until we can all be here, together.

"From scraped up knees, to the birds and the bees.  You were always there for me!" - Caroline Craft

Things that go bump in the night

Lately, I’ve been struggling to sleep, distracted by the things that go bump in the night.  I know many people can relate to having that insomnia feeling at least once in their lifetimes.  A nice glass of wine helps to sooth those demons under my bed, but my current financial situation, sadly, will not support that sleeping aid.  Weekend wine is all I can afford; anything more would put me in the (darker) red.

Which brings me to the ‘money monster’ that is hiding under my bed.  The first of the many demons that keep me awake at night.  Money!  Why is it we never have enough?  I never have enough money for the important things, never mind the things that I would just like to have.  My phone for instance, I would love to have a smart phone.  Sadly, I cannot afford one.  So I make due with this pay as you go flip phone.  I hate it, using it angers me and only adds to my stress.  I studied for years for my degree in teaching.  I feel like I paid my dues as a struggling student.  Now I have a career, isn’t this where my life begins, and I start being able to afford the things I want.  I work hard; I teach, I tutor and I am always looking for ways to make money, I’m even willing to babysit.  Twenty-four years old, and I am looking to do a job that I did when I was fourteen.  Walking on this treadmill of life, and getting nowhere.  I’m twenty-four years old, and I live with my dad.  Looking at my salary, I’m beginning to think the only hope for me for any sort of future (if I stay in teaching) is to meet a man with a decent income and marry him.  Not in a gold digger type way.  But lets face it, there are many guys out there that have the potential of making me fall in love.  I just don’t plan to date the broke, jobless ones.  Thus eliminating the risk of falling in love with someone as hopeless and broke as myself.

Speaking of boyfriends, meet the ‘boyfriend boogey man’ that is hiding out in my closet.  I’ve been single for six years.  Not that I am looking for a relationship, because I’m really not.  I feel like I have enough to worry about without having to deal with that too.  I do feel a little lonely from time to time, and it’d be nice to have someone to come and chase my demons away now and then.  But honestly, boyfriends just pretend to chase the demons away.  When really they just bring their own demons with them, and they buddy up with your demons, and everything seems happy go lucky for a while… until you look around and think, “oh crap, now I have double the amount of demons!”  So far, for me, boyfriends have proven to be more trouble than they are worth, though they come wrapped in some pretty nice packaging.  But as far as my future goes, I really will have to one day meet someone, and get married.  Or else I’ll be moving out of my dads, and back in with my mum. 

Which leads me to the ‘fat phantom’ that doesn’t even bother hiding; this guy just sits on my chest and tickles my nose while I try to sleep.  If I’m planning to ‘one day’ bag myself a Christian Grey type man, then I need to get myself an Anastasia Steele type body!  I am a long way from this, let me just tell you.  I was doing great, I had lost 30lbs and was working out five times a week.  I was on my way to my future, sexy self.  Nothing was going to stop me.  Nothing was getting in my way.  Until it did!  Don’t even ask me what.  It’s the same thing that happens every time.  I lose momentum, or motivation or something.  And don’t ask me why, because trust me, I still want to be thin.  When I started tutoring it made it harder to work out those two days a week.  But that’s just two days, and I could find something else other than the gym for those days.  I need to find my momentum again!  Today I entered an online competition for weight loss; you bet $25 that you can lose 4% of your body weight in four weeks and then all of the winners split the pot.  So hopefully this motivates me again.  Getting a sexy body would really be a step in the right direction for eliminating all of my demons!

You know, I sound like I’m complaining.  I’m really not!  I am lucky, and I know that.  I don’t have any serious issues.  I am healthy (apart from that phantom on my chest), I have a roof over my head and I have people that I love in my life.  There are people much worse off than me.  But these ‘demons’ that are keeping me awake at night are pretty common.  Especially the ‘money monster’!  It seems everybody has a ‘money monster’ demon bumping away in the night.  I just hope I can tame mine one day, because it really would make everything so much easier.  Money might not buy happiness, but it definitely eases stress!  It lets you enjoy the things in your life that make you happy.  I know some people that stress so much over money that they don’t know how to take time to enjoy the things that make them happy.  Or take time to create lasting memories with the people that make them happy.  Money definitely isn’t everything, but it is a pretty powerful demon in everybody’s life, you can’t argue with that.

All of my demons work together.  It is a vicious circle.  Instead of going bump in the night, they’re having a rave in here.  Blaring that base, with no regards to my beauty sleep.  Christian Grey type, if you are out there: I hope you like the haggard, sleep deprived, broke, overweight, wine lover types… because here I am baby!  I’m waiting for you!! Come find me!