Real Strength

It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’.  Things ended for good last night.  He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok.  I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt.  The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie.  But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.

I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me.  I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man.  Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear.  I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway.  But it still hurt.  A lot.  Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid.  I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I don’t feel stupid anymore.  So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me.  It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me.  I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship.  I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing.  V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him.  Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?

It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived.  Crying does not make me weak.  If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me.  I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt.  But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was.  Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it.  I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him.  I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”

I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know I will feel that connection again.  I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship.  I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship.  I am kind, caring and supportive.  I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle. 

If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now.  But I refuse to settle.  I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less.  In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person.  Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk.  And tell me, where is the courage in that?  What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?

I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  Of course I do.  I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me.  He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there.  Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently.  But we didn’t, and our story ends here.  I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love.  I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love.  I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve.  And I won’t settle for less.  That’s real strength.

Connections

 We have talked before about relationships and the connections that we make with other people.  I’d like to talk about the connections we can make particularly with our partners.  There are two main ways in which two people in a partnership can connect; these are physically and emotionally.  Some people are lucky enough to find a partner that they connect with both physically and emotionally, however not everyone is so lucky.

Let’s first talk about what it means to connect with someone physically.
We could also call this the sexual connection.  This is the connection that two people make when they are sexually compatible.  There is a deep intimate connection, and they both have the same wants and desires in this aspect of their relationship.  It is a beautiful, harmonious union that leaves both partners satisfied and fulfilled.

An Emotional connection is very different.
This is where two people connect on an emotional and spiritual level.  They understand one another’s hopes and desires, and perhaps share many of these.  They converse on a deeper level, connecting spiritually in their discussions.  They enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level.  They play, share and love whole heartedly.  This is the connection that people tend to desire in their ‘other half’.  It is the connection that often causes people to fall in love.

I believe that both of these connections are equally important in order for a relationship to work, and stand the test of time.  Many people would disagree and would argue that the emotional connection is by far the most important.  And perhaps they are right, but for me, I desperately want both.

I believe I have been in relationships wherein we shared an emotional connection and lacked a physical connection.  I also know I have been in relationships where my partner and I shared an intense physical connection; however there was a definite lack in any emotional connection.  There are both positives and negatives in both types of relationship, in which I will not delve into in any detail.  I do not regret any of these relationships, because I have learned from them all, and they have made me who I am today.

Perhaps I am aiming too high, but I truly believe with all of my heart that I deserve a relationship that is rich in love and happiness, and where we connect both emotionally and physically.  I am an extremely passionate person, and I hope to find a partner with as much passion to offer as I have.  I want him to be passionate about life, happiness and our relationship, passionate both physically and emotionally. 

I believe that in order to find this, two people must first connect emotionally before they can connect physically.  Not always of course, like I said, I had relationships where we had a physical connection without the emotional connection.  But in most cases, if you begin with the physical connection, it is more difficult to establish an emotional connection (particularly for men).

Finding the emotional connection first does make it difficult to ensure that there will be a physical connection there, because once that emotional connection is established, it is difficult to walk away.  However, I believe there are ways to recognize a potential physical connection with a partner.  It is something you can feel in the chemistry.  Something you can feel in the kiss, in his touch and how he looks at you.

I admit it may be very difficult to find both, and perhaps I never will. But it is what I desire in my future partner.  I am still learning from my relationships, dating again is relatively new to me.  I have been on four dates with V over a period of three weeks.  He calls me most nights and we text every day.  He lives almost two hours from me, so it makes things very difficult.  But I feel like we have the potential to have a harmonious physical connection, and at the moment we are getting to know each other and learning if there is an emotional connection there. 

V has never had an emotional connection with someone, all of his relationships have been based on physical connections, and the concept of waiting seems to be a relatively new one for him.  It makes dating him even more of an emotional risk, but I feel like there could be something there with him.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I am going for it, because at the end of the day, it is all a learning experience if it doesn’t go well.  I live with no regrets to the best of my ability, and most regrets that people have are for the things that they don’t do.  So I won’t let my fear of getting hurt, keep me from exploring the possibilities of love and happiness.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Perhaps I am wrong about V being my potential ‘big’, but how will I know if I don’t take the risk?  If there’s no emotional connection there, I will move on, and I will be wiser having had this experience.  I will find a partner to share an emotional and physical connection with and we will have a passionate love.

Wish me luck with this one!

Quick Update

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote.  But I no longer have a school computer, being that it’s the summer, and unfortunately I don’t have a computer of my own. 

I am single once again, L and I dated for about a month, and then I ended it.  I joined a dating site and started dating again a few weeks after we broke up.  I am currently dating one guy in particular, but I am not so sure about how things will go with him.  I do like him a lot, but sometimes these things are out of our control. 

That is what is going on with me at the moment.  I hope to write soon, hopefully get some access to a computer.