“What’s your type?”
“Oh, I go for funny guys. I like to be able to laugh with a guy. I like a guy that respects me, and listens to what I have to say. He isn’t afraid of his feelings, and loves to spoil me and be romantic. And if he’s tall that’s a bonus!”
So this is a typical response that I give to that question. It’s a lie. Ok, in theory, all of that sounds absolutely lovely. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were my type? I do ‘like funny guys,’ that’s about the only honest part in that statement. But funny certainly does not seem to be enough for me. I know this, because I have wonderful, hilarious friends that remain in the friend zone. I have often asked myself why I am not attracted to them, they are sweet, funny, good listeners… so why? I’ll tell you why. It’s simple. It’s because they’re not A**holes!
Excuse my colorful language, but there is simply no other way to put it. I do have a definite type, and it is A**hole! I’ve spoken before about that attraction we seem to have towards bad boys. But it’s deeper than that for me. Show me a respectful, decent, kind, funny and romantic gentleman, and I’ll turn him down in a heartbeat. I’ll say, “There’s just something missing… I’m just not attracted to him… there’s no chemistry there… we don’t have that spark.”
But show me an emotionally dented, screwed up, selfish man whore that doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t ready to settle down, and I go weak at the knees. “I don’t know what it is, but I’m crazy about him… there’s a connection… there’s chemistry… there’s a spark between us.”
Oh yeah, there’s a spark all right. It’s the risk that at any given moment, he could take off and break your heart. Isn’t that exciting? No it’s not, it’s self-harming is what it is. That thrill of the drama that I confuse for a spark, or chemistry, is exactly the reason why I’m alone. There are plenty of great guys that get sent my way. But I am not interested because we don’t have chemistry. Instead, I chase the inevitable heartbreaks.
So with this newfound knowledge and understanding of myself, you would think that I would consciously try to make a difference, and go for the good guys. But it is harder than it sounds, because you can’t fake attraction. And the bottom line is, that I am attracted to these losers. The good guy just doesn’t do it for me, as they say.
I’m taking baby steps. For instance, I deleted and blocked the most recent disaster that I was wasting my time with. You may remember ‘V’? We were on again, off again all summer, until I eventually realized that I could not be trusted to make the right decision myself. So I blocked and deleted him… so as to save myself from, well, myself. I have since decided to ignore most of my initial instincts when it comes to guys. In other words, if I am greatly attracted to him… I stay well away. If my initial reaction is, “there’s just no spark…” I take that as a green light to go for it. It’s baby steps, and so far, it’s not quite working. I can’t fake attraction, remember? I’ll get there though; it will just take me some time.
I know not all women are like this, just look at my sister, she’s in a healthy relationship with a wonderful guy. She has it right; she doesn’t self-harm, so to speak, in her choice of partner. However, I know I can’t be alone in this. There are women everywhere, asking themselves, “Why can’t I just meet a nice man for a change?” Well now you have your answer ladies. You probably have met him, but you dismissed him on a false pretense that he lacked the certain spark that you search for with a man. I think the only way around this destructive path we have ourselves on, is to re-program ourselves. We must train ourselves to be attracted to the nice guys. You never know, they might have a hidden wild side that surprises you. Sparks will fly, but they will be the good kind. Not the ticking time bomb kind that we have grown so accustomed to.
Follow me ladies. No more ‘nice guys finish last!’ Time to end this cycle once and for all.