Thursday, 24 July 2014

Real Strength

It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’.  Things ended for good last night.  He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok.  I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt.  The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie.  But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.

I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me.  I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man.  Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear.  I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway.  But it still hurt.  A lot.  Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid.  I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I don’t feel stupid anymore.  So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me.  It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me.  I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship.  I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing.  V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him.  Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?

It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived.  Crying does not make me weak.  If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me.  I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt.  But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was.  Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it.  I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him.  I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”

I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know I will feel that connection again.  I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship.  I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship.  I am kind, caring and supportive.  I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle. 

If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now.  But I refuse to settle.  I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less.  In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person.  Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk.  And tell me, where is the courage in that?  What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?

I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful.  Do I wish things had gone differently?  Of course I do.  I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me.  He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there.  Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently.  But we didn’t, and our story ends here.  I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love.  I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love.  I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve.  And I won’t settle for less.  That’s real strength.

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