It seems I was wrong about V being my ‘big’. Things ended for good last night. He wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that’s ok. I asked him to really think about what he wanted from this relationship, and if he knew it wasn’t what I wanted then to end it now, because otherwise I would just end up hurt. The following day he told me that it was over because he knew I would get hurt in the end. This could be the truth, or it could be a lie. But either way, it is over, and that won’t change.
I cried a lot yesterday, which isn’t like me. I built a wall over the years, and it has been a very long time since I have cried over a man. Even with my previous relationship with L, we dated for over a month, and the night I ended it I didn't shed a tear. I knew that it was for the best when V ended it; I knew that it was something I should have done anyway. But it still hurt. A lot. Through all the tears, I felt a little stupid. I felt embarrassed that I had let him in; that I had allowed myself to feel something so soon, for someone that I knew wasn’t ready for a relationship.
But I don’t feel stupid anymore. So, I let myself feel something for him… it might not have been real for him, but it was real for me. It is a good thing that I still have the ability to feel and care, inside me. I haven’t lost it, even after all of my years of wall building and mending the hurt from my previous relationship. I still have the ability to feel and love, and that is a beautiful thing. V may not have been the right person to feel something for, but I won’t regret our relationship, I won’t regret meeting him. Why would I regret something that gave me happiness and taught me to feel again?
It ended, it hurt, I cried… I survived. Crying does not make me weak. If anything I feel stronger, because I got hurt, but it didn’t break me. I was afraid to let myself feel, because I knew that with feelings came hurt. But I’ve learned that I am stronger now than I once was. Yes I may hurt, but I will survive it, learn from it and grow because of it. I cried yesterday, and I will cry again, but I won’t cry again for him. I read a quote a while ago that I feel suits this situation well, “Cry as much as you want to, but just make sure when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.”
I felt a connection with V that I haven’t felt in a long time. I know I will feel that connection again. I know I will find someone that I connect emotionally and physically with, and we will have a passionate, exciting and loving relationship. I deserve the very best, because I give the very best when I am in a relationship. I am kind, caring and supportive. I have a lot to offer, so I won’t settle.
If I wanted to have a relationship with V I could, but it would be a physical relationship, because that is all he is looking for right now. But I refuse to settle. I want what I want, and I won’t settle for less. In my opinion, that makes me a pretty strong person. Granted, one that gets vulnerable, feels pain and gets hurt… but if I didn’t, there would be no risk. And tell me, where is the courage in that? What part of being afraid of getting hurt shows strength?
I wish V all the best in life in all he does; he is ambitious and is going to be very successful. Do I wish things had gone differently? Of course I do. I do believe V and I had a connection, I felt something that is rare for me. He might not have felt it, but I know that connection was there. Perhaps if we had met later in life, he would have been in a different place, and our story would have gone very differently. But we didn’t, and our story ends here. I have never been a believer in the concept of “soul mates” although that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in connections and love. I know I will meet someone that I share that same chemistry with, we will connect physically and emotionally and we will have a passionate love. I will find this, and things will work out for me because that is exactly the future that I deserve. And I won’t settle for less. That’s real strength.