Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Why are we so quick to believe that we are special?

This may be somewhat of a controversial question, because people would argue that we are all special.  But we can’t all be special to one person.  We are special to our loved ones and ourselves perhaps, but not to everyone else.  When we date someone new, why is it so easy to believe that we are going to be special to that person?

Recently I dated D, and I began feeling things that I hadn’t felt in years.  It was so easy for me to believe that he felt those things too.  D and I had a great time together when we were together, but when we were apart, D had a difficult time telling me the truth.  Understandable, the truth is hard, when you’re a lying, cheating piece of…

Ok, let’s try that again.  I apologize; I may have a teeny tiny bit of anger towards him. 

While I was dating D, he was texting other girls, lying about where he was and meeting up with other girls, sleeping with other girls and basically being an all around sleaze.  I didn’t know everything, I knew he cheated once, and was texting another girl.  We broke up.

D then begged for another chance, telling me he was crazy about me, and he only wanted me.  He could see a future with me, and I was the only girl in his life.  I did have feelings for him; everything I had ever said to him and about him was the truth (because I’m not a liar).  So stupidly, I did give him another chance.  He swore he would show me and prove to me that I could trust him.  He told me that things would be different this time, because he felt different this time.  His feelings were stronger, and he realized it when he lost me.  He wasn’t willing to lose me again.  He would cry and tell me that he couldn’t stand the thought of never getting to hold me again.  “I’m not ok with that, Caroline,” he would say, “I’m never giving up on us, Caroline!”  He would send me video’s of songs that reminded him of me.  He was so sweet and romantic, AND MANIPULATIVE! 

We spent his birthday together (Friday); him, his daughter and I went to Chuck E Cheese.  It was such a wonderful day.  We had so much fun, and I was in a bubble of happiness.  We went back to my house and watched a Disney movie while the three of us cuddled up together on the couch.  He had to leave to get his daughter home because she was due her nap; he said he didn’t want to leave me, even asked me to come back to his house.  I told him it was ok, I would see him tomorrow (Saturday).  He asked if I could come really early, we agreed that 8am would be a good time, because we wanted as much time together as possible.  We spent the day together on Saturday, we went to the fair and I rode every ride with his daughter because he was hung-over from having birthday drinks with his parents the night before (or so he said).

Sunday morning I woke up to a good morning text from my boyfriend.  He called me on his way to work, telling me how much he missed me. We talked about how I was trying to trust him again, and I appreciated him being patient with me.  I told him that it would help me if he posted something about me on his FB page.  That would reassure me that I was the only one.  He got annoyed with me, told me that things would never work if I didn’t trust him.  I apologized and told him that I would trust him again; I just needed some time because of what happened before.  He posted something on FB about me, and I felt bad for doubting him.

I felt so happy.  I was with D again, and things were perfect.  I was going to be seeing him later because we were working together that night.  I sat down with my friend to watch a movie before we got ready for work.  Then my phone buzzed.  “Someone is trying to connect with you on messenger.”  My heart sank, the last time this happened, it was a girl telling me that D had been cheating on me.  This time was no different.  That’s exactly what it was. 

D had been seeing this other girl, KY from his past.  He had been telling her that he had changed and that he only wanted her.  He had been sending her videos of songs and telling her that he missed her.  I found out that he met up with her on the night of his birthday, after spending the day with me.  I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that he was with her in the same day that he had made me feel so special.  I’m so thankful for the friend that I was with that day, because I fell apart, and she was there to pick me back up. 

D had three girls: myself, KY and EL.  We have spoken, and all three of us are getting on well, we understand that it is nothing to do with us, and everything to do with him.  He is in the wrong, not us.  The other girls met up for a drink last night, I didn’t go.  I couldn’t.  I explained that I’m still hurt, and as much as I know it’s not their fault, and I’m not upset with them, it would be too hard for me to meet them. 

KY called me; she said she really wanted to meet me.  She began by telling me that she just didn’t want me to hate her, I explained that I didn’t, but I just wasn’t ready to meet them.  She then began to cry; telling me that she felt like meeting me would help her.  She believes that D felt more for me, and she just wanted to see me and “get some clarification”.  I told her that she was mistaken, that D doesn’t care about any of us.  It is nothing to do with us.  I apologized for not being able to give her the closure she needed, but I just couldn’t put her needs before my own.  And right now, I didn’t need to be meeting my boyfriend’s other partners.  It makes me so angry that D has had this kind of effect on us. 

Both KY and EL are gorgeous.  None of us look anything alike.  At all!!  KY is a brunette with a gorgeous bottom, EL is tall and slim with amazing long, red hair and I’m a blond with big boobs.  We are all very different, and beautiful in our own individual ways.  D has us doubting ourselves and comparing ourselves, but the truth is it has nothing to do with any of us.  It’s all about D and his game… we don’t matter.

I thought I was special.  KY and EL thought they were special too.  We are all special… but not to D.  Not to the person that we wanted to be special for.  The only person that is special to D is D!!  He is selfish and cruel, and he didn’t ever care about any of our feelings or us.  He isn’t a good person.  Which hurts me to say, because I always see the best in people, and I thought I saw something in D.  I believed his eyes when he looked at me like I was the only person that mattered to him.  I believed his embrace when he pulled me close at night and hugged me like he never wanted to let go.  I believed his kiss when he kissed my forehead and whispered that he was “so happy right now Caroline.”  I believed his words when he told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before.

I believed it all because I believed I was special.  But I wasn’t special.  None of us were.  He was lying to all of us.  The same lies.  Sending us the same songs.  None of it was special for me.  None of it was real.  None of it! 

I wasn’t special for D.  But I will be special for someone, one day.  And I won’t have to wonder if I’m the one, or ask him to prove to me that there’s no one else.  I won’t need him to tell me that I’m the only one he wants, because I will just know!  I will be that special person for someone, and I will get my happily ever after.  I know this, because I know I deserve it.  I’m a good person, and it’s not a bad thing that I see the best in people, or love with my whole heart.  One day I will meet someone who appreciates all of that about me, and protects my heart, instead of manipulating it to get what he wants. 

KY and EL, if you’re reading this: I also know that you will both find that person too.  D manipulated all of us, and he was wrong to do what he did.  It wasn’t any of our faults.  The important thing is that we learn from what happened, and never allow it to happen to us again.  We need to recognize the signs of that kind of emotional abuse, and get away before we get ourselves hurt again.  Let’s not spend any more time on D, or boys like D.  I say “boys” because D is most certainly not a man, a man would never treat a woman in this way.  Stay strong ladies, I know it’s hard sometimes because I struggle with it too.  But don’t allow him back in again, I wont.  This is it for me; he’s blocked and removed from my life completely.  Yes I will have to see him at work on Saturday’s, but I will be ignoring him as though he doesn’t exist.

I am special!  To me!  And because I am special, I will not allow myself to be manipulated and disrespected like this again.  I deserve much better, and I will never settle for something like this again.  I will learn from it, and grow.  I have to, because I will not live a life like this, where I am unappreciated.

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