The Dating Game

I have a boyfriend again for the first time in about six years.  It seems over the years I have forgotten the rules, and I need a refresher course in how to play, 'The Dating Game'.  The Dating Game is the most complicated of all of life's games, and there is rarely ever a winner. Unless... You play one of the rare games that reveals everyone as a winner.  Those however, are a lucky few.  Unlimitedly, in most battles of The Dating Game, there is a definite loser (or losers in most cases).  That is not to say that it isn't the most fun, exciting, thrilling and rewarding game of life.  The benefits to the game, if you manage to find a worthy opponent, make it worth the risk.  And it is a risk.  Never before has there been a game that has had more risk involved in it.  It's a gamble, and you're putting your heart on the table... But if you don't go all in, then you won't reap the possible benefits.  You have to make a choice.  If you're going to play, you have to play with everything you've got.  You have to take a leap, make a gamble and risk it all.

But never forget, it is a game, and in a game you have to play to win.  You must be tactical and plan your moves delicately.  That heart can be tricky, and can sometimes get in the way of your game strategies.  Be smart.  Don't let it get in the way.  This is where I've been having trouble.

There are certain rules in The Dating Game that we must follow.  Especially women!  We have a hard time with that pesky heart getting in the way.  Those damn emotions have a tendency to cloud our judgement and sabotage our best plays.  The Dating Game is extra complicated for us.  Sometimes we can feel like we are winning and then boom, three hours go by without hearing from him, you lose your cool and send him ten messages.  Game over.  You've lost.  The outcome: you're single again.  Time to look for a new opponent.  Better luck next time.

So let's go over some of these rules.

Rule number one: A player can not always be the first to text.  A player must wait for the opponent to text first, before responding in a very cool and nonchalant manner.

Now this is probably my least favorite rule! Why can't I text him as soon as I wake up just to say, "good morning, I had a dream about you last night!"  Apparently it could be viewed as slightly creepy with a touch of needy.  It is important for him to believe that I have so many other important things on my mind, and he's the very last thing I think of when I first wake up.

Rule number two:  A player can not always be the one to suggest plans.  She must wait for the opponent to suggest their next meet, and they can not always respond 'yes' to all invitations extended.

Once again, I think we are trying to avoid displaying our neediness.  He does not need to know that you are so desperate to see him that you would happily see him every day, canceling all plans that stand in your way.  That does not portray a cool, independent woman, it gives the impression of something quite different.

Rule number three:  A player must appear to be flawless at all times.  This will weaken your opponent and ensure that you hold his interest.

Ok ladies, I'm not saying don't be yourself... But yeah, don't be yourself.  Not yet.  He must not know that you shave your big toe or tweeze your chin hair.  He can never really know how long it takes you to get ready.  Your beauty must appear to be effortless, with minimal preparation time before seeing him.  And above all, for goodness sake, he can never know how masculine you really are.  You must be a prim and proper lady. So hold the dirty jokes and don't show your gratitude for a fine meal with a belch that would put one of his to shame.

Rule number four:  A player must do her best to hide 'the crazy' from her opponent.  This includes jealousy, PMS, irrational fears, anxiety, obsessions, irrational emotions, anger... Etc.

All women have many levels of crazy.  Some women have more levels than others, but we all have it.  I'd like to think of myself as having a lower level of crazy.  But then ex boyfriends and family members might disagree.  For the most part though, I think I'm pretty low maintenance.  But even the lowest maintenance females have a difficult time hiding their crazy.  Whether it be their need to hold the remote, or their OCD in certain aspects, or even just their insecurities.  It all falls under one category to our opponents; crazy.  So hide it as best as you can.  Some of it is bound to slip out.  Hopefully you're lucky enough to have an opponent that thinks it's cute.  Just try your best to conceal the higher levels of your crazy as much as possible.

Rule number five:  Never, ever, ever under any circumstances, EVER can a player be the first to say 'I love you'.  The opposition must always be the first to say it.

Did you hear that?  Even if you feel it with every fiber of your being.  Even if you feel yourself mouthing it when you cuddle. Or you feel the need to scream and shout it from the roof tops.  Don't!  I don't care what the "Love" books say.  Under no condition can you ever say those infamous three words first.  It is, in most cases, a death sentence, straight to 'game over'.  So contain yourself, control it, do what you must to keep it bottled up.  You might be able to come back from breaking the other rules once or twice.  But there's no coming back from breaking this rule.  Ever.

So those are the rules of The Dating Game.  Do with them what you will.  In the end, if you're lucky, after a while of playing The Dating Game, your opponent could very well become your team mate.  When this happens, you know you've found a love that will last.  Together you can win the game and do so by breaking as many rules as you'd like.  Once you're on the same team, there's no longer an opposition to worry about.  You can feel safe, knowing the gamble with your heart isn't as severe as it once was.

For now, I am going to do my best to follow the rules.  I must admit, I have broken rules 1-4 from time to time.  But in my defense, I am extremely rusty because it has been so long since I have played The Dating Game.  And in all honestly, I was never very good at it.  But practice makes perfect.  I'm not out of the game yet.  Hopefully this one lasts a while, and you never know, maybe there will be no losers in this one.  I've not really thought that far ahead to be honest, because I'm just enjoying the moment.  He's funny and playful, and I think he's exactly what I need right now.  It's definitely not love yet, so I don't need to worry about rule number five just now.  He makes me happy (so far).  And my crazy hasn't scared him off (yet).

I've taken a leap, I'm risking it all and it's exciting.  Wish me luck!  Game on!

Do Something About It

In life you will meet two types of people.  There is the type of person that good things happen to.  And there is the type that bad things happen to.  The truth is good and bad things happen to everyone.  It is life.  There is no getting around it.  But it is how you choose to let these things effect your life that defines what group we are categorized into.  Do you choose to focus and dwell on the negative?  Or do you choose to focus on and reach for the positive? 

If I poured you a lovely glass of sweet red wine and I only filled it half way (which would only ever happen if the bottle was finished).  Would you say that the glass was half full, or half empty?  Wine is a bad example; I’ve lost my train of thought.  I’ll be right back once I fill up the rest of my half full glass of wine… ok better.

I’d like to think of myself as a “half full” type of person.  I think I am a pretty positive person.  I strive to be positive in everything I do.  Things tend to work out for me, and when they don’t I believe that they weren’t supposed to.  So I try not to dwell on them. 

I wasn’t always this way you know.  I had to train myself to be this way.  It took me a long time, but eventually positive thinking became very natural to me.  I used to be a dweller.  I’d focus so intently on the negative in my life, that sadly, I’m ashamed to admit; I missed a lot of the positive.  Bad things just kept happening to me. 

“Why me?”  I would ask myself over and over.  Until one day my wise mother told me exactly why.  It was my negative attitude.  (It was also a series of poor choices causing the bad things to happen, but that is a story for another day.)  I realized (with a not so gentle nudge in the right direction from my mother) that I had to make a change in the way I viewed my life.  My mum advised me to first fake positivity, and make a conscious effort to be positive… and then eventually it would come naturally to me.  Turns out she was right, after years of forcing myself to think positively, one day I realized, I wasn’t trying any more.  It was how I thought naturally. 

Things began working out for me.  Or did they?  I really don’t know, because when they didn’t work out, I was positive about that too.  Telling myself that it wasn’t supposed to work out.  Then later when something good would happen, I would remind myself of the “bad” thing that happened before and I would think, “see, if that hadn’t happened, then this wouldn’t be happening now!”  Always-positive thoughts.

Now and then negative thoughts will creep in.  I am human after all, and things aren’t exactly gumdrops and rainbows for me all the time.  It is normal to feel sad or down from time to time.  It’s just important to not let those feelings destroy me, like they used to.  I deal with them (maybe have a wee cry) and move on.  I try to solve my problems and work through them with a positive attitude.  If something is broken.  FIX IT!!  Stop complaining and…  Do something about it! 

Last week I spoke about a few of my “demons”.  I shared how miserable I had been about my phone.   Using it made me mad.  Looking at it would get me down and remind me that I had worked hard at university, and I am still broke and struggling and perhaps going no where in this career (lots of problems with translating my degree, etcetera).  I did something about it!  I bought an iPhone.  Yes it hurt me a little financially.  But no amount of money is worth me being so miserable.  I will make sacrifices for it.  I love my new phone!  So happy!  I feel like I earned it.  I feel like my years of hard work were worth it.  That feeling, my friends; is priceless.

I also spoke about my lack of motivation with the gym.  I complained that my new tutoring job had taken away from my workout two days a week.  Did I give up and dwell on the negative?  NO!  I did something about it!  I now get up very (very) early on those two days, and work out in the morning before I go to work.  Doing that has given me the motivation I had lost.  And I am feeling positive about my weight loss goals.  (Because there is no other possible way to feel!)

I’m here in America without my Mum, without my sisters and without my step dad and puppy.  I could focus and dwell on the fact that I am without them.  I could let my loneliness eat at me, and allow my missing them to consume me.  But I don’t.  That would be focusing on the negative.  Instead, I focus on the things I love about being here.  I take comfort in and I am thankful that I have loved ones TO MISS.  It means that I have love.  For that I am so lucky!  I am thankful for instant messaging and Skype, so that I can speak to them as often as I need to.  Yes, I need them here.  I can’t imagine living without them for much longer.  But I am positive it will all be worth it in the end.  They will be here, and we will all be together.  Everything will work out!  It has to!  There is no doubt in my mind that it will.  None whatsoever, and I say that with absolute certainty!  Positive thinking is a powerful thing!

What type of person are you?  Is your glass half full?  Or do you focus on the negatives in your life.  If you are a positive thinker then I commend you.  I know it is not always easy to stay positive through everything.

If you are a negative thinker and you just can’t understand why bad things keep happening to you.  Then do me a favor and try to think positive.  Take my mum’s advise, do what I did and watch your life change.  Witness your own emotional growth in happiness.  Experience life in the upward stream and enjoy life once again.  Trust me, your happiness is up to you.  You control your own life.  If things aren’t going your way…

            DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I'd like to dedicate this blog entry to my wonderful mum, without whom I would not be the positive, strong and (somewhat) independent person I am today.  Thank you for every bit of advise you've ever given me.  I don't know what I would do without you, and I love you so much!  I miss you every day, and I'm counting down the days until we can all be here, together.

"From scraped up knees, to the birds and the bees.  You were always there for me!" - Caroline Craft

Things that go bump in the night

Lately, I’ve been struggling to sleep, distracted by the things that go bump in the night.  I know many people can relate to having that insomnia feeling at least once in their lifetimes.  A nice glass of wine helps to sooth those demons under my bed, but my current financial situation, sadly, will not support that sleeping aid.  Weekend wine is all I can afford; anything more would put me in the (darker) red.

Which brings me to the ‘money monster’ that is hiding under my bed.  The first of the many demons that keep me awake at night.  Money!  Why is it we never have enough?  I never have enough money for the important things, never mind the things that I would just like to have.  My phone for instance, I would love to have a smart phone.  Sadly, I cannot afford one.  So I make due with this pay as you go flip phone.  I hate it, using it angers me and only adds to my stress.  I studied for years for my degree in teaching.  I feel like I paid my dues as a struggling student.  Now I have a career, isn’t this where my life begins, and I start being able to afford the things I want.  I work hard; I teach, I tutor and I am always looking for ways to make money, I’m even willing to babysit.  Twenty-four years old, and I am looking to do a job that I did when I was fourteen.  Walking on this treadmill of life, and getting nowhere.  I’m twenty-four years old, and I live with my dad.  Looking at my salary, I’m beginning to think the only hope for me for any sort of future (if I stay in teaching) is to meet a man with a decent income and marry him.  Not in a gold digger type way.  But lets face it, there are many guys out there that have the potential of making me fall in love.  I just don’t plan to date the broke, jobless ones.  Thus eliminating the risk of falling in love with someone as hopeless and broke as myself.

Speaking of boyfriends, meet the ‘boyfriend boogey man’ that is hiding out in my closet.  I’ve been single for six years.  Not that I am looking for a relationship, because I’m really not.  I feel like I have enough to worry about without having to deal with that too.  I do feel a little lonely from time to time, and it’d be nice to have someone to come and chase my demons away now and then.  But honestly, boyfriends just pretend to chase the demons away.  When really they just bring their own demons with them, and they buddy up with your demons, and everything seems happy go lucky for a while… until you look around and think, “oh crap, now I have double the amount of demons!”  So far, for me, boyfriends have proven to be more trouble than they are worth, though they come wrapped in some pretty nice packaging.  But as far as my future goes, I really will have to one day meet someone, and get married.  Or else I’ll be moving out of my dads, and back in with my mum. 

Which leads me to the ‘fat phantom’ that doesn’t even bother hiding; this guy just sits on my chest and tickles my nose while I try to sleep.  If I’m planning to ‘one day’ bag myself a Christian Grey type man, then I need to get myself an Anastasia Steele type body!  I am a long way from this, let me just tell you.  I was doing great, I had lost 30lbs and was working out five times a week.  I was on my way to my future, sexy self.  Nothing was going to stop me.  Nothing was getting in my way.  Until it did!  Don’t even ask me what.  It’s the same thing that happens every time.  I lose momentum, or motivation or something.  And don’t ask me why, because trust me, I still want to be thin.  When I started tutoring it made it harder to work out those two days a week.  But that’s just two days, and I could find something else other than the gym for those days.  I need to find my momentum again!  Today I entered an online competition for weight loss; you bet $25 that you can lose 4% of your body weight in four weeks and then all of the winners split the pot.  So hopefully this motivates me again.  Getting a sexy body would really be a step in the right direction for eliminating all of my demons!

You know, I sound like I’m complaining.  I’m really not!  I am lucky, and I know that.  I don’t have any serious issues.  I am healthy (apart from that phantom on my chest), I have a roof over my head and I have people that I love in my life.  There are people much worse off than me.  But these ‘demons’ that are keeping me awake at night are pretty common.  Especially the ‘money monster’!  It seems everybody has a ‘money monster’ demon bumping away in the night.  I just hope I can tame mine one day, because it really would make everything so much easier.  Money might not buy happiness, but it definitely eases stress!  It lets you enjoy the things in your life that make you happy.  I know some people that stress so much over money that they don’t know how to take time to enjoy the things that make them happy.  Or take time to create lasting memories with the people that make them happy.  Money definitely isn’t everything, but it is a pretty powerful demon in everybody’s life, you can’t argue with that.

All of my demons work together.  It is a vicious circle.  Instead of going bump in the night, they’re having a rave in here.  Blaring that base, with no regards to my beauty sleep.  Christian Grey type, if you are out there: I hope you like the haggard, sleep deprived, broke, overweight, wine lover types… because here I am baby!  I’m waiting for you!! Come find me!

Butterflies

Hello, my name is Caroline and I am a butterfly addict.

Anyone that’s ever been on a first date, or sat next to his or her crush will know that feeling.  Commonly described as butterflies, it is the most universal feeling there is.  Your stomach feels like it is flipping, there’s a tingle in your belly and you can hear your heart beating in your ears.  Butterflies.  The most awful and amazing feeling you will ever have.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’ve caught a sickness bug… or the love bug.  Yes, I did just use that cheesy line.  But that’s what the bug does to me… those butterflies bring out my inner cheesiness.  I’m not ashamed to admit that this nervous, nauseating feeling is my favorite in the world.

We’ve all been there:

Sitting in the movie theatre, his knee accidentally touches yours.  Butterflies.  You glance over (without turning your head) and look at him in his seat.  Butterflies.  He moves his hand so that it is almost touching yours.  More butterflies.  You look at his hand.  There it is, that nauseating feeling… nerves, and you can hear your heart pounding in your chest.  Can he hear it? You touch his pinky with your pinky.  Oh wow, the butterflies!

Everyone has been here.  It might not go exactly like this, but when you were reading that, you were thinking of your own experience.  Maybe he got up the courage to touch your hand, or your leg… maybe he put his arm around you.  You try to tilt your head and rest it on his shoulder to show that you like him too.  But it’s a terrible angle, because of those seats.  It hurts your neck, but you don’t move.  You don’t want him to think you changed our mind… so you stay there as long as you can, even with your neck hurting.  Do you mind?  Of course not, because of the butterflies.  You are enjoying the butterflies far too much.  You, my friend, just might be a butterfly addict.

It’s a feeling that only comes when you really like someone.  When there is an attraction, preferably a mutual one.  I have been known to have those feelings when it has not been mutual.  I’m sitting going crazy over an accidental bump of the arm, and he was just reaching for his popcorn, and has no idea we touched.  This feeling isn’t quite as enjoyable, but shamefully, I admit that I do still love it.  Butterflies are butterflies, and I am a butterfly addict. 

It’s a very innocent feeling, the butterflies.  One I hope I never lose the ability to have.  I enjoy being nervous and excited, because it is that innocence that allows me to enjoy the butterflies.  Those crazy, wild, senseless butterflies are the greatest.

I often wonder if I enjoy the butterflies too much.  What happens when I, finally, one day settle down in a serious relationship?  Will I miss those beginning butterflies too much?  Maybe there will be new feelings that I will love?  New favorites?  New firsts?  New addictions? 

I will find out soon enough.  In the meantime, I am just going to enjoy the butterflies!

Loss

We all claim to understand how short life is.  We say we know that anything can happen.  In the blink of an eye our whole life can change.  We can lose someone we love… 

We know this.  But we still don’t really believe it could ever happen to us.  How could it? 

I am so lucky; I have never experienced real loss of someone I love.  I’ve grieved deaths, and lost people I care about.  But the handful of people that I truly need, are still with me.  Even the thought of losing them is enough to make me crumble.  Just the idea of it is too awful to imagine. 

I did have one moment that I thought I might have lost one of those people.  The feelings I went through at that time are indescribable.  It was the most awful and terrifying moment of my entire life.  No pain I had ever felt, or have felt since has come close to what I felt at that moment.  But relief then followed it.  I was lucky.

My sister, CC, had been in a car accident.  She had only just left the house.  It barely felt like ten minutes had passed since she said bye, and was out the door. 

The house phone rang. 

I heard my mum answer it.  I heard her voice change.  I heard the fear.  I instinctively went to her and asked what was wrong.  She told me CC had been in a car accident.  I asked her who called, and she told me it was a woman.  That was enough for me.  CC hadn’t called, which meant it was bad.  My mum and step dad ran out the door, and I stayed at home with my youngest sister, K, who was very young at the time.  She was in her bed for school, watching a movie, oblivious to what was going on.

I walked to the dining room.  I tried to stay calm.  But I kept hearing my mum’s voice.  I kept seeing her face.  Her fear.   

People say that you imagine the worst when these things happen.  But I didn’t have to imagine anything.  There was no thought process.  It was the not knowing.  I couldn’t imagine the worst.  But in my heart I knew what had happened, I knew it was bad.  It was the worst.

I tried to stay calm.  I told myself not to react, not to think, until I knew what had happened.  Right now I knew nothing.  I needed to wait.  Stay calm.

Then I heard a giggle.  It was K’s sweet giggle.  She was laughing at her movie.  And then I crumbled.  I couldn’t breath!  It wasn’t about what I was losing.  It was about her.  How would we tell her?  How do we tell her, her sister is gone?

I lost my ability to stay rational.  I couldn’t breath.  My sister was gone.  What would I do without her?  How could I be without her?  I called my mum, over and over.  They had been gone for what seemed like forever, and there was still no answer.  I couldn’t breath.  Tears flowed down my face as I tried to catch my breath.  My sister was gone!  I called CN.  She told me to get outside. She told me to breath.  She told me that CC was fine.  She told me exactly what I needed to hear.

The call eventually came from my step dad.  He told me that CC was alive.  She was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  He was going to come get me, and our neighbor was going to come stay with K.  I was so relieved that she was alive; I didn’t even ask what was wrong with her.  Why was she going to the hospital?  Then began a new worry.

I will never forget the moment I saw CC in that hospital bed.  She smiled at me.  In all of her pain, she smiled at me.  She wanted to reassure me she was ok.  I knew what she was doing.  She had been worried about me.  

She had been in a car wreck and was in a terrible mess.  But she had been worried about me!  She knew how scared I’d be. 

I’ll never forget that awful day.  Or how I felt.  But I was lucky, because I also remember the relief.  I still have my sister.  She’s still here.  I am left with the memory of that day, not the memory of my sister.  I still have her.  I was lucky. 

Some aren’t so lucky.  Some people lose the people they love.  It is in an instant just as ours was.  But it is final. 

I couldn’t imagine what life would be like right now if what had happened that day had been final.  I can’t bare the thought of life without my sister.  I need her.  If I go a week or two with very little communicating with my sister, I miss her.  I feel lonely and sad, and I need to speak to her.  After we talk, I feel better: like a weight has been lifted.  We talk and share, we giggle and play.  We laugh at things that no one would understand or find funny.  We understand each other.  We trust each other.  We would do anything for each other.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  And so thankful that what happened that day wasn’t final.

My heart breaks for people that lose their loved ones.  That handful of people that we need, we don’t ever expect will be taken away.  Because even though we know it happens.  We never believe it will happen to us. 

Sometimes it’s hard to understand why these things happen.  Why the worst can happen to the best of people.  No one deserves that kind of pain.  No one deserves that pain to be final.  Everyone deserves the relief.  I couldn’t imagine what would have happened if that relief had never come.  I don’t know how people get through these things and remain strong.  I don’t know if I would have had that strength. 

I’m so thankful to have my sisters.  I love you both so much.  I'm thankful to still have my mum and dad, and my handful.  My heart breaks for those that lose the people closest to them.  Those that have to become strong, because the relief never comes.  My heart breaks for them, because I know that if it happened to me; I would crumble.